Michigan is better than Ohio State. It may be a bitter pill for some diehard Buckeyes to swallow, but it is the truth.

The University of Michigan sells more merchandise than OSU, it has a far better academic reputation and its athletic teams win major championships at a higher rate.

OSU has slightly warmer weather. And it is bigger. Excuse me, I mean “greater.”

The football “rivalry” is a joke. That’s not just because Michigan has dominated in recent times. It leads the all-time series 56-35-6. This level of domination hasn’t been seen since the United States pounced on the Taliban.

But rivalries are silly things anyway.

They are simply a matter of wild-eyed fanatics deluding themselves into believing that “We’re better than Y because we live in X.” This is the same sort of mentality that leads to ethnic wars and bloodbaths in far away lands.

And why Michigan? I’m sure Commodore Perry would be proud that we’re preserving his legacy of keeping Toledo out of the dirty hands of those wicked Michiganders, but don’t we have better targets for our rage?

There’s nothing wrong with being inferior. But if we need a new rival to boost our self-esteem, I can think of some far better enemies.

Ohio University, for instance. Athens is pretty, but OU is the most overrated school in the country. There’s no better release for your frustrations than romping on a pathetic in-state rival.

How about another border state school? Indiana is practically a guaranteed victory. Same with the University of Kentucky, although they’d destroy us in basketball. West Virginia might beat us occasionally, but they’d have a lot of trouble feeling superior to us no matter what the margin of victory.

As far as our eastern neighbor goes, Penn State is usually tough, so how about the University of Pennsylvania? Imagine how many jokes we can make about the Quakers. Certainly OSU fans can use some fresh material. “Ann Arbor is a Whore” just doesn’t cut it anymore.

Perhaps we should even look outside the Midwest. I’m sure we could convince the University of Hawaii to defect from whatever conference it plays in and join the Big Ten.

The Buckeyes and the Rainbow Warriors could be a rivalry to determine the silliest team name. Forget about a bowl game; the Bucks get an automatic trip to sunny Hawaii every other year. This beats the cold, dark trek to Michigan any day.

I’ve learned quite a few things since I addressed Lantern readers last.

The furor over the release of the Nintendo Gamecube and the Microsoft Xbox has taught me how much I value my original 8-bit Nintendo.

‘N Sync has taught me how little I know about boy bands. Although I’ve heard Joe and Jordan are the cute ones, while Donnie is the one with the famous brother.

Strom Thurmond has taught me there are far too many old, out-of-touch politicians in power. The U.S. Senate has more silver than a second place convention. He has also taught me parents don’t give their children good names like Strom anymore.

With the failure of the WCW-ECW invasion, Vince McMahon has taught me how even simple things can become complicated.

Finally, OSU quarterback Steve Bellisari has taught me the perils of unnecessarily squealing my tires.

But the most important thing I’ve learned: No matter who wins on Saturday, Michigan is better than Ohio State.

Jason Mann is the editor of The Lantern. He is feared by liberals, conservatives, football fans, llamas and boy bands everywhere. E-mail him at [email protected] and tell him how much you love him.