Dear Harlan,
Last night, I broke up with my boyfriend of one-and-a-half years because I felt that he was not putting enough effort into the relationship. For the past few weeks, I have been feeling alone and confused. I have felt this way even with him in my life. I felt as though I had no one to turn to. I do not feel special, beautiful or loved. How is it that someone can feel like they have exerted a lot of effort into a relationship and another person feels like that person has not exerted any?
Lonely and bitter
Dear lonely and bitter,
Congratulations! You did what most people don’t have the strength to do. You got out. Be proud of yourself. You could have pretended everything was great, but it wasn’t. He didn’t treat you the way you know you deserve to be treated, and you had to end it.
Sure, it’s lonely and hard to lose someone, but what you’re doing is far more important in the long run. Don’t think of it as losing someone. Think of it as doing what needed to be done to find yourself, because until you can feel special, beautiful and loved, independent of a man, you’re not ready to be loved by any man. Take this newfound time for you. Get comfortable in your skin.
If you’re depressed and down, talk to someone in the counseling office or get private therapy. If you’re not comfortable with your appearance, work to change what can be changed and embrace the things that can’t be changed. I promise, someone will love those things you don’t.
If you’re not happy with your friends, work to surround yourself with more positive people. Take risks and discover your passion. Learn to love spending time with you. And then you can open up your life up to someone new while being an even better partner than you could have ever been before. To sum it all up – you did the right thing.
Dear Harlan,
For the past year and a half, I’ve found myself attracted to my male best friend. I told him how I felt six months ago, but it was apparent that he did not feel the same. We remained good friend and even got closer. About a month ago I was at his house, and he fell asleep holding me. We almost kissed but his mother walked in, so I can’t be certain that we would have.
Recently, he has gotten back together with his ex-girlfriend and seems to be very in love with her, even though she moved to another state. Some people say he is messing with my emotions on purpose. I don’t know if it’s true, but I’ve cried over this situation a lot. I can’t seem to get over him no matter what I do.
Hopelessly In Love
Dear Hopeless,
I know that you’re upset, but if you were a true friend you would ask him what that night was all about. Then at the very least you could understand. As for seeing him as “just a friend,” start by stopping the mind games you’re playing on yourself. Stop imagining kissing him. Stop imagining dating him. Stop replaying that night in your mind. Stay busy and think about dating other guys. And if none of this works, just look at your best friend like he’s your brother – but use this only in cases of emergency.
Need advice? Write Harlan at [email protected] or online at www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Copyright Harlan Cohen
Columnist Harlan Cohen will appear at 7 p.m. Feb. 19 at the Ohio Union.
