Dear Harlan,
I’ve been dating a wonderful man for a little over a year. He has been perfect, but last night I walked in on him getting off to a picture of porn on the Internet. I was horrified. I couldn’t help but feel betrayed and as if I were cheated on. It makes me think he will cheat on me some day. It also turns me off from him because now I worry he’s thinking about someone else when we’re together.
Our relationship has been so wonderful besides this. It’s really bothersome to me. Am I over reacting? Should this be a major issue that I should debate breaking up over? Or is it something that guys just do and I have just been naive to before this?
Disturbed and Disappointed
Dear Disturbed,
Honestly, if the girl in the picture jumped out of the screen and asked him, “Oh, please, take me,” he’d most likely say, “I’m sorry, I love my girlfriend,” assuming he loves you. He might have been looking at porn, but it doesn’t make him a cheater. Yes, it’s hard not to feel threatened by what happened, and yes, some guys abuse porn and their romantic relationships suffer, but everything seemed fine before this incident. Porn can’t compare to a loving relationship with a real woman.
All that said, you need to talk to him. Let him know why this whole event concerns you. But also, try not to put him on the defense. Approach him out of genuine interest and have an honest conversation. And if you still feel this incident takes away from the intimacy you share with your boyfriend, than it’s a problem that you two need to discuss further. Just don’t assume he’s going to cheat on you. Many loving, caring, and loyal men (and women) have been known to get lost in an adult Web sites or two or three…
Dear Harlan,
A few days ago, my boyfriend told me we needed time apart after a six-month relationship, but he still wants to be friends and do things together. I know I’m lucky that he wants to be friends, but I never knew it could hurt this much. Every time I see him with another girl I just want to cry, but I don’t want to show him this. I know that I’m the reason we broke up. I always accused him of cheating on me and he was sick of it. I didn’t realize until after we broke up that he would never do anything to hurt me. I want him back so badly. I stayed home from school today because all I can do is cry.
Crying
Dear Crying,
This is the part of dating that sucks. It’s sad, but it passes.
Try to remember that everything wasn’t perfect when you two were together. If it were, you’d still be together. If it’s true that you just couldn’t trust him, then maybe, you need some time to figure out why you get jealous. If seeing him is too hard, then don’t see him. Try to use this time being single to become more secure with yourself. Know that the more secure you can get with yourself, the less jealous you’ll be in future relationships with him or anyone else. In the meantime, grab some more tissues.
It’s sad, but I promise, it will pass.
Write Harlan via e-mail at [email protected] or online at www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the column. Copyright Help Me, Harlan!
Columnist Harlan Cohen will be appearing on Wednesday, Feb. 19 at 7:00 p.m. at the Ohio Union.
