To: Director Andrew Fleming
This is the only time I ever want to tell you this. I know you’re still kinda new, but the sooner you learn, the better off you’re going to be. Now, I’m only going to say this once, so please pay attention.
Don’t remake good old movies.
I know Jonathan Demme did it last year, and I know Gus van Sant did it a few years before that, but didn’t you learn anything when those two movies tanked?
Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when “The In-Laws,” your remake of the 1979 Peter Falk-Alan Arkin comedy, follows “The Truth About Charlie” and “Psycho” into the crapper.
Part of your mistake is in the casting. Getting Michael Douglas and Albert Brooks to take over Falk and Arkin’s roles, respectively, probably wasn’t the best idea. As Steve, the undercover CIA agent, Douglas is forced to ditch everything that made him great in “Wonder Boys” and “Traffic” to play the action hero, and as a result, the character loses a lot of the humor Falk originally brought to the role. The character of Sheldon – originally played by Arkin – has lost a lot of its texture too, because Brooks only knows how to play nervous, scared guys.
The main problem lies in the chemistry between Douglas and Brooks – there isn’t any. In a real buddy movie, the two lead actors have to play off each other seamlessly. Granted, the characters are supposed to be miles apart in personalities: Steve is the neglectful father who is more concerned with a Russian sub named Olga than his son’s wedding, and Jerry is a neurotic doctor who tries to exert control over his only daughter to the point where he tries to call off the wedding because he doesn’t get along with Steve. (But that doesn’t excuse the flat performances coming from both actors.)
Hiring screenwriter Andrew Bergman was a nice touch, but next time, remember to tell him that if the remake took 24 years to come out, the plot should probably be updated for a new generation. The opening car chase in Prague should probably be set to something other than Paul McCartney’s “Live and Let Die,” and cameo appearances by KC and the Sunshine Band should be outlawed.
There are actually a few funny scenes in the film – a villainous French arms dealer who hits on Jerry and thinks he is the Fat Cobra, and the scene when Steve is talking about Jerry’s “cute” fanny pack are just two examples. But both scenes pop up continuously throughout the film, and there are only so many times you can laugh at a fanny pack joke before it’s just plain sad.
But don’t lose total hope. There were some strong performances by some of the younger cast members, most notably by Ryan Reynolds and Robin Tunney, who play Steve’s son and CIA partner, respectively.
And, after all, you did make “Dick,” so we know you are capable of making good movies in the future.
And in case Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez ask you to direct their remake of “Casablanca,” remember to just say no – only you can prevent the untimely end of your career.
