I have a secret that I have done my best to hide from the normal folks since I came to Ohio State, but after three years in Columbus I have to let it out. I am a mosh pit connoisseur. I have to let my secret out because after a couple of concerts in our fair city, I have come to a disheartening conclusion about the biggest city in the Buckeye State – Columbus has by far the weakest mosh pits I have ever been punched in.

I have had my head bashed all over this state, in Cincinnati, Cleveland and Dayton. For three wild days back in 1999, I had my head bashed all over Rome, New York by a quater-million people. Every time I left a concert in one of those cities, I was lucky it wasn’t on a stretcher. Almost every time I leave a concert in Columbus, I have to check my man status because of the hugfest that Columbus mosh pits are.

When I step into a pit, I expect to come out bloody and bruised, not sweaty and covered in man-love.

Before I explain what a mosh pit should be like, let me share some of my experiences.

In Cincinnati, the most brutal city in Ohio, I spend my ever-limited concert at Bogart’s, one of the most run down and hardcore concert halls known to man. At a Mindless Self Indulgence concert there, I got jumped by three guys in the pit who played soccer with my head. At an Avail and Propaghandi concert, I got knocked unconscious when a giant straight-edge guy blindsided me with his Mark Hamill in “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” sized fist.

I couldn’t move for a week after a Hatebreed concert in the nasty ‘nati.

In Cleveland, a close second in Ohio brutality, I saw a show with Slipknot, Dope and Mudvayne – before all three sold out to be mainstream metal. The mosh pit in the Agora Theater was so jam packed with fist-flying mayhem that I thought I had been transported to a parallel universe where Cleveland’s only residents were the former WWF’s Bushwackers, pounding skulls with overhand punches raining down in a hailstorm of pain.

In Dayton, another Slipknot concert at Hara Arena had a pit so big that I actually got tired running across it. It was pretty mild, but it ranks above Columbus because the music was so lame that night that I was impressed there was even a pit.

So what is wrong with Columbus mosh pits?

It’s simple – I never leave hurt. When I go to a concert, I am not looking to die. I am looking to get out enough anger and get hurt just enough to remind myself that I don’t want to do something that stupid again for a while. If I don’t relearn that lesson every few months, I am agitated and eager to get back in the pit, and that is how a Columbus concert leaves me feeling.

Though I have not yet been to Al Rosa Vila, I did go to Ozzfest ’99 in then Polaris Ampitheater. I saw Slipknot (yes, I know they are lame, but I was praying they would have come to their senses and started to rock again) at Promowest Pavillion and I saw Mindless Self Indulgence at the Newport Music Hall. All three concerts should have left me feeling stupid and bruised, but instead left me wondering if I had just experienced an odd form of prison love.

So how do we fix this so I can brag about how tough my college town is?

The first step is to come to the concert angry. Don’t come gun toting – nobody want to see another Dimebag Darrell incident. Just get angry enough to inflict and take a fair amount of pain.

Once angry, remember pit etiquette: If you must punch, which I do not condone, don’t punch above the chest. Don’t bite or kick either. Always pick up for fallen brethren, they would do it for you. Avoid style – any stupid ninja dancing or floor punching will get you knocked on your ass, hard.

The last step is just to have fun. Take that bottled up anger and let it out. Push me down, laugh, then pick me back up. Let me know that you came to have fun and get your aggression out too. Until I leave a Columbus concert with a bruise that I remember for a few days after, then I will know my mission has failed. Come on Columbus, start getting angry for the next time a metal concert comes around town because I’ll be waiting for you to knock me around.

Josh Thompson is a senior in journalism and political science who is hoping to get a bruise at his next Columbus concert. He said concert, so don’t punch him in the streets please. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].