Since my column on Tuesday, where I discussed my Valentine’s Day self-loving habits, I have been informed by a couple of people that I am the scourge of the Earth. I apparently am an offensive, vulgar, sexual deviant who has no redeeming qualities at this newspaper. In fact, I am dragging the quality of The Lantern lower than it has ever been.
Well, let me tell you, I have seen the error of my ways. I am recanting, and in this space I would like to make amends with the readers.
To do so, I am going to tell a joke that some of you have probably heard, but you’ve never heard my version of it. This joke is called “The Aristocrats.”
All right, this family walks into a talent agency. The father of the family says to the talent agent, “I’ve got this great act for you; it’s a family act and I think you’ll love it.”
The talent agent says to the man, “Look, I don’t like family acts. They are too cutesy and too hard to book.”
But the father persists, asking for just a few minutes to show the act, because he knows the agent will love it. The agent gives in and tells the family it has five minutes to do its act.
The family jumps right into its act. There is the father, mother, grandmother, grandfather, three boys and one girl.
All of the males are dressed in fine tailored suits made in London, of the finest cottons. All of the women are wearing beautiful pink dresses, made with the most exuberant and exotic fabrics known to man.
In front of the family, a large table is set up with a tea set in the middle and eight place settings. Everyone in the family sits down except for the father.
The father begins to serve the tea to everyone. The tea is a flavorful and aromatic blend from India.
All of the family members really enjoy the tea – they have never tasted anything so grand. During the tea time they discuss only the most proper topics, avoiding politics and other issues that might alienate family members. Instead, they discuss the arts: plays, paintings and books. Things get a little racy when the family discusses a sitcom, but the conversation is brief and dignified because the father reins the conversation in and brings it back to a discussion of his favorite play, “Cats.”
After tea, the mother goes and gets two decks of cards. The adults play euchre while the children play go fish.
I must tell you, you’ve never seen such riveting games of cards.
The children are laughing and asking loudly, “Do you have any fives?”
One of the boys giggles and says, “Yes, of course silly.”
On the other side of the table, the father can be heard saying, “Ha! I’ve got the trump card!”
The mother responds, “You certainly do honey, brilliant play! Enjoy a crumpet with your tea!”
The card games end and all the family members stare blankly at each other in an awkward silence.
Finally, the grandparents break the silence – “Well, it’s been a lovely evening, but we’re going to go to bed now.”
“Goodnight, grandma and grandpa,” the kids say in unison.
The parents and the kids then play a heart-pounding game of Scrabble.
“Scrabble is the really exciting part,” the father says. “Somebody different wins each performance.”
After the game, everyone says goodnight and they all go to bed, and the act is over.
The family gets up and takes a bow.
“That’s a really interesting act,” the talent agent says. “What do you call it?”
“The Aristocrats!” the family yells, jumping up in the style of a Broadway musical.
Josh Thompson is a senior in journalism and political science. If you don’t get this joke, then watch the movie “The Aristocrats,” or e-mail [email protected] so Josh can explain it to you.
