Have you ever caught yourself hoping the war in Iraq would continue to spiral out of control just so President Bush could be proven a simple-minded, paste-eating, tumbleweed-smoking hick, once and for all?

I have. It happens all the time. Of course I don’t want to see anyone mangled or killed. Of course I wish I could believe in the President of the United States. Of course I wish the world were peaceful and perfect, covered in warm-fuzzies, teddy bears and smiley faces. But that’s not real life, folks. In real life, jealousy and vindictiveness often rule the sub-conscious mind.

That’s why I can’t help but root for the investigators who are looking to uncover – once and for all – the illegal benefits allegedly received by former USC running back Reggie Bush while he was darting and slashing his way to the 2005 Heisman Trophy and the 2004 national title.

According to an investigation being conducted by Yahoo! Sports, nearly $280,000 in cash, rent and gifts was supposedly given to Bush and his family during his stint at USC. If proven, these allegations could lead to a number of damaging consequences for Bush and USC, most notably the forfeiture of games – including the National Championship – and the stripping of the Heisman Trophy from Bush, which would be the only time in history the Heisman would be taken from a recipient, and would be nearly as embarrassing as that Kucinich 2004 sticker you can’t quite peel off the back of your Geo Metro.

I’m not a hateful person. I usually don’t wish any particular person any specific kind of harm. Every once and a while, one of those cheesy, cliché-riddled human-interest pieces they sprinkle throughout SportsCenter actually gets to me. I’m really a softy.

But the vicious beating Ohio State University has taken throughout the course of the decade has morphed me into a vindictive assh***. What more could you expect? Thirteen was a hatchet-wielding disaster. Former coach John Cooper’s boys couldn’t maintain a GPA much above the relative humidity of the Sahara desert. Our own Heisman winner once had his own problems with money falling from the skies. Jim O’Brien, anyone?

We were eaten alive by every blogger, Web site, magazine, newspaper and pundit in the country. Our department of athletics cheats to win. Our school is a diploma factory. OSU is out of control and we’re the gold standard for all that’s wrong in college athletics.

But not anymore. See that, ESPN?! See that, Buckeye-hating bastards everywhere?! We’ve spent the past seven years both defending and justifying what’s happened here by shouting, “It’s not just us, it happens everywhere!” from the frickin’ rooftops. Now, USC coach and former media darling Pete Carroll is the conniving cheater. Now, the University of Southern California has the black eye. They’re the program on the verge of losing control.

And deep within the bowels of my mind, long after my head hits my pillow at night, I dream about USC losing their 2004 title like we lost our 1998-99 Final Four banner. I dream about Reggie Bush swerving down a Los Angeles street, swigging a bottle of vodka while listening to a CD of prison inmates singing children’s songs, hearing voices and always looking behind his back for an Israeli mobster who’s trying to kill him. I dream about yelling “I told you so!” at any assh*** who’ll listen.

Rooting against Reggie Bush and USC might be a guilty pleasure. It might make me feel better in a completely selfish, horribly-twisted way. It might be a lot of fun.

But it won’t do anything to erase what has happened here during one of the darkest periods in OSU history from which we seem to finally be emerging. It won’t do anything to help Thirteen, and it won’t do anything to un-sully our manure-covered reputation. Only time can do that.

And while I’m waiting, I’ll be rooting for USC to fall on its face.

Scott Woods is a senior in journalism and sports editor at The Lantern. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].