I am the only sports fan in America who prefers the NBA regular season to the playoffs. With ABC and TNT broadcasting the majority of the games and ESPN using its first-stringers, professional basketball is missing something … Bill Walton.
As awful as his commentary is, he’s still the most entertaining in the business. Walton is cut from the mold of Steven Seagal and Chuck Norris, providing unintentional hilarity on a nightly basis. Whether he is dropping gems like “the fate of the free world, every night, is decided by the jump ball,” or “Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players; it’s up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards,” the man is almost always more exciting than the game.
Case in point: March 14. Arguably 2007’s best regular-season game, a double-overtime classic in which the Phoenix Suns and two-time MVP Steve Nash (who Walton once described as “the most unathletic player in the game”) outlasted the Mavs 129-127. With Dallas needing a bucket to tie it up and force a third OT, dynamic commentary was necessary. Fortunately, Walton was there.
“The Mavs might really be in trouble here as they lack a true inbounds passer!”
Hilarious? Yes. Surprising? No. Walton once labeled Spurs forward Robert Horry the “greatest inbounds passer in Western civilization.”
His ability to take over a game dwarfs what Michael Jordan or Wilt Chamberlain could ever imagine. During the final exhibition game before the 2006 FIBA World Basketball Championships, Walton was in rare form as the U.S. squad dominated an overmatched South Korean team. What followed was pure comedy.
He commentated on the coaching: “It appears that the strategy for Korea is to throw up these wiiiild ill-advised shots from the perimeter and then race down long rebounds that nobody can get a read on.”
And he made points about international officiating: “I don’t think it’s so much that Chris Bosh traveled. I just don’t think these Korean officials have ever seen something so spectacular.”
By studying everything Walton, I have found his plethora of legendary analysis can be placed into four distinct categories.
Western civilizationWalton is a connoisseur of western culture, as demonstrated by his classification of Horry’s flawless ability to pass the ball into the field of play. He did, after all, graduate from UCLA with a degree in history.
Favorites in the category include: “John Stockton is one of the true marvels, not just of basketball, or in America, but in the history of Western civilization,” and the infamous “Tony Parker just made the worst pass … in the history of Western civilization.”
Even during his playing days he had the innate ability to know when something was noteworthy enough to enter the annals of Western history, even if it included the man himself.
“You have to understand, my beard is so nasty. I mean, it’s the only beard in the history of Western civilization that makes Bob Dylan’s beard look good.”
Franchise historyAs a college-educated historian, Walton apparently knows everything about every franchise ever to grace the NBA hardwood.
“Memo to Paul Pierce and Antoine Walker: Couldn’t you wait until at least the All-Star break to have the franchise suffer its worse loss in its storied history? Bill Russell just called looking for an address to send his 11 championship rings back to the Celtics because he is so disappointed.”
During a game in 2003, the Trail Blazers performed “the worst execution of the fast break” in franchise history, while in 2004 Cuttino Mobley was able to make “the two worst shot attempts in the history of this proud Houston Rockets franchise.”
The big man is not always negative, however. In the midst of an otherwise forgettable Los Angeles Clippers loss, Walton concluded that longtime journeyman forward Eric Piatkowksi had indeed made “perhaps the greatest defensive play” in that team’s history (which in the context of the Clippers, might have actually been an accurate statement).
Man crushWhen Walton starts to feel a certain physical attraction for a player, he has no problem voicing it. A short list of his masculine affinities includes: Kevin Garnett has an “incredible, computer generated body,” Amare Stoudemire is “the winner of the genetic lottery,” Boris Diaw reminds him of “Beethoven, in the age of the Romantics,” John Wooden is an “intergalactic treasure” and, regarding Jonathan Bender, he said, “look at the physique, the skeletal structure … that is a MAN.”
Fashion sense is just another of Walton’s hidden talents. He once labeled Horace Grant’s shoes as “a thing of beauty,” and revealed a fascinating story about a talented Indiana Pacer forward who “even flew in his hairdresser, Celeste, so not only does Jermaine O’Neal look pretty, he’s looking to play pretty tonight.”
The unanimous choice for least heterosexual statement ever to come out of an ESPN commentator’s mouth is reserved for this legendary anecdote: “You look at Vladimir Radmanovic, this guy is cut from stone. As if Michelangelo was reading and a lightening bolt flashed before him.”
The truly asinineAsinine is Walton’s bread and butter. He once asked fans to “show some respect to this living legend, this Hall of Famer … Arvydas Sabonis,” referring to the former Trail Blazer center, who Walton also called the “epitome of competitive greatness.” Strong words indeed for a man who averaged 12 points per game throughout a seven-year career.
There are many classics from the Walton vault, including calling Kenyon Martin the “second best player in the Eastern Conference,” labeling Greg Ostertag as one of the “top centers on the planet,” nominating Manu Ginobli as one of the greats, “not only of this generation, but all time,” and describing Rasheed Wallace as “a four-armed Dikembe Mutombo.”
He’s also a top-notch physicist, with an unrivaled knowledge of the effects of celestial mechanics. “Most (players) are also governed by gravity, the laws of physics and self-regulating mental control mechanisms. Kobe has left all these behind.” Let’s not forget, “Yesterday we celebrated Sir Isaac Newton’s discovery of gravity; today, Fabricio Oberto is defying it.”
This list could go on forever, as Walton continues to pad his resume with remarks like “Penny Hardaway had it all, he had his own doll” and “If Eric Piatkowski continues playing at this level, he’s going to replace Jerry West on the NBA logo.”
I think it’s safe to say the playoffs will be a little less interesting without Walton, the greatest color commentator in the history of Western civilization.
Andrew Kieta can be reached at [email protected].
