I know what is wrong with America, and it isn’t pretty.

Forget climate change — the problem goes much deeper. There is a pervasive lack of customer service and there are too many people who don’t use common sense.

My epiphany started with a treadmill purchase at Sears.

The situation I was in was every person’s dream. I had a lot of money to spend, and I had to do it quickly.

My flex spending plan purchases for 2009 had to be finished by the end of February.

My planned implant surgery had fallen through. Tooth, not breast.
I had money to blow.

My doctor had signed a prescription declaring me in serious need of exercise equipment to make me a better, healthier person.

Or thinner to say the least.

Then there is the body building competition my daughters have started. Because of a fierce competitive spirit that I have obviously passed on to my kids, I wanted to be a surprise contestant in the race to a better body, coming from behind and shocking them both when war-zone Dee comes home from Iraq in June. Sort of like Rocky.

Nashville Erin has been training for a half marathon for months.
War-zone Dee can spend four hours a day exercising.
I could too if I were on the “Biggest Loser.”

Weeks went by, and the treadmill stayed at Sears until I got a call saying I had to pick it up by a certain date in March.

Then came a conversation with war-zone Dee as I bragged about my treadmill purchase.

“I guess I’m going to be putting it together when I’m home on leave,” she said.

Actually she sort of laughed when she said it.

The thought of losing valuable time reconnecting — and the vision of me throwing things in frustration as we put it together — made me a little unhappy.

Defying my “negative Nancy” habits, as my daughter calls them, I heard Rocky-themed music in my head as I picked up my treadmill in war-zone Dee’s two-story-high pickup that eats gas like no other.

I watched the back-braced clerk carefully put it in the truck as I tried to figure out how I was going to get it out by myself. It never occurred to me to ask about delivery.

I drove home with said music still playing in my head.

After getting home, I looked at the truck, then looked at the box. I looked at the box and then looked at the truck.

In a momentary lapse, however brief, I realized I missed my ex. Badly. For about a minute.

The music fades.

I angled the box just right to make it easier to get out of the truck, moving slowly and carefully. I placed it in the middle of the garage to give me incentive to move it out quickly so I could park my car out of the reach of snow.

More weeks went by.

Final exams and snow came and went. My car stayed outside with the snow.

Then came the appliance rebates. I rushed back to Sears before my dishwasher and washing machine rebates expired at midnight that day.
I tried to avoid the lurking salesman who had tried to sell me appliances by just giving me his business card and introducing himself.

I read — anything I could — to wait for the salesman who was actually explaining the good and bad points of dishwashers.

I was so desperate for reading material that I read the installation and delivery information for sporting goods. It was there I saw I could have the treadmill assembled for a small fee.

A light bulb went on above my head.

Walking over to Sporting Goods, I met up with a sales clerk to ask about the price for a treadmill assembly.

“Well, I don’t know, which one did you buy?” the salesman asked.

I couldn’t find it.

You’ll have to talk to Dave — who’s out at lunch, he said. “I’m just here to relieve for lunch breaks.”

“When will Dave get back?” I asked.

“I don’t know for sure, but he’s been gone for a really long time,” he said.
I stood there wondering what a “really long time” was in man-speak. I have had some problems translating that language before.

Turns out it was half an hour.

After Dave returned, I was given a number to call to find out how to add assembly — that didn’t work.

The conversation started going downhill.

I asked to speak to the manager, mumbling under my breath that I had just spent $2,000 there and could I get some customer service. Well, maybe I said it out loud.

The manager came. He said I would have to return the treadmill, repurchase it to add delivery and assembly, then wait for it to be delivered. A second time.

None of which made sense to me — but I did it.

During the three weeks I waited for delivery, I wasn’t getting any thinner and I was $65 poorer to boot.

It could have been different — if only there was such a thing as customer service or common sense in this great country of ours.