Dave: On Saturday, Ohio State becomes one of the last Div. 1-A schools to play a home game while fall semester/quarter is in session.
Jason: So, for you rambunctious kids away from home for the first time, there’s some lessons that the wise and wonderful seniors (for the second time) can give to you about going to OSU football games.
Dave: Remember, this is not baseball. So there are no foul balls. Although foul smells, foul play and foul language do exist within the confines of Ohio Stadium.
Jason: And no one likes naughty words. They are only to be used in locker rooms, before the team prayer.
Dave: Although some atheists, liberals and Supreme Court justices out there might argue that a team prayer is naughty. But my friend, we are digressing.
Jason: We are?
Dave: Look, I may not wear a little white hat or have a tattoo on my bicep, but often I do have the mouth of a sailor. But come on, in public, with malleable young minds present, dropping f-bombs is almost as bad as Buckeyes dropping passes.
Jason: I’ve never heard Popeye use an ill-phrase. But in fairness to the Buckeye receivers, they often don’t have the opportunity to drop a pass because the ball doesn’t come near them.
Dave: Now that we’ve covered some of the stadium etiquette freshmen should employ, we will now discuss the pregame behavior.
Jason: From what I’ve heard, there seems to be a lot of drinking involved. Of course, all of those who are consuming alcoholic beverages are 21 or over.
Dave: Yes, those born in 1983 are 21. But anyway, with a kickoff time of 7:45 p.m. Saturday, there will be plenty of time to drink, and drink heavily.
Jason: Alcohol is an important component in the festivities involving an OSU home football game. Because, let’s face it, ever tried watching one of them sober? It’s not a pretty sight. Gallons and gallons of booze tend to take away the sting of the shellacking that the soul takes after a close game.
Dave: That’s fine, people are going to drink, and exaggerated stories of alcohol consumed will spew forth from the lips of young coeds. But dorm-ites, save the stories for after the game. I just can’t stand standing in the stands with people either talking about how wasted they are, or acting phony drunk.
Jason: Remember, kids, if you’re going to act drunk, at least have the decency to actually be intoxicated. We don’t like fakers or perpetrators.
Dave: And I’ll tell you what else we don’t like…
Jason: Two words: Nerds.
Dave: I actually like the little sugar candies, but what we don’t like are people who sit in the stands. They are called stands. You stand in them.
Jason: But you park in driveways and drive on…
Dave: If grandma behind you tells you to sit down, you tell her to stand up.
Jason: If your feet hurt, you tolerate the pain and invest in a foot massaging machine.
Dave: If someone, grandma or non-grandma, tells you to “sit down and shut up,” you stand on your tippy-toes and yell louder (Girls, just pretend Justin Timberlake is nearby. Guys, just pretend any girl is nearby).
Jason: As The Pointer Sisters once sang, “Jump For Your Love.” Well, if you love the Bucks, you got to jump out of the seat, for your love.
Dave: If you’re more than 300 pounds though, keep the jumping at a minimum. But that’s just common sense.
Jason: Now on Friday night, you probably won’t be doing anything, so you need to brush up on your knowledge of the alma mater.
Dave: Is the OSU alma mater the latest duet from J-Lo and JaRule, “I’m Real?” Or is it Eric Carmen’s smash from “Dirty Dancing,” “Hungry Eyes?”
Jason: Only if they’re Buck-Eyes, Dave. I think even Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey would have difficulty doing seductive dances such as the Great Caesar’s Ghost to good old “Carmen Ohio.”
Dave: The reason we need everyone to know “Carmen Ohio,” which is apparently OSU’s alma mater, is that the football team will congregate near the band in the south stands after the game and sing the alma mater. I guess I’ll have to wait until I return home after the game to hear “Hungry Eyes” on my MP3 player.
Jason: Dave, I don’t know if you feel it, but there’s some magic between you and I.
Dave: Jason, one look at you and I can’t disguise.
Jason: But freshman flunkies won’t be able to disguise their ignorance of OSU’s alma mater. So to avoid O’Neil-level embarrassment, brush up on your Buckeye traditions.
Dave: Even when we’re up on the Northwestern Mildcats late in the fourth quarter, do not leave. Do not ever leave the stadium until the clock reads quadruple zeros.
Jason: That would be in the fourth quarter.
Dave: Like the N’SYNC CD I plan to buy you for Christmas, I am going to “wrap up” our arguments.
Jason: Yo, Dave. I plan on representing until this column’s done, dogg.
Dave: Be loud, courteous (except for standing up and blocking the view of grandma behind you) know the alma mater, and don’t leave early.
Jason: Remember, Buckeye fans, if you follow these simple guidelines, you too can get drunk, act rowdy (but civil) and watch a bunch of grown men ram into each other while trying to get an irregularly shaped ball onto one side of the field.
Lantern sports editor Dave O’Neil knows where the party’s at. He can be reached at [email protected]. Lantern editor Jason Mann knows where the Bacardi’s at. He can be reached at [email protected]. Unfortunately, neither one has been invited to said party.
