Dear Harlan,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for seven months. We now live together. He used to be a “bad boy,” drinking and racing are his favorites. During the first three months of our relationship, he changed a lot and we loved each other so much. Those were the most beautiful days of my life.
A few months later, he’s started to show weakness. I had the feeling that he was getting back to his old ways. He began skipping classes, hanging out with bad people, and coming home at midnight drunk. He loves me and feels bad about himself, but he isn’t determined enough to get over his weaknesses.
As a result, I’ve broken up with him a few times, but things didn’t workout. I love him and can’t help missing him. Three times we’ve broken up and three times we’ve gotten back together.I’m too tired now, but I don’t want to give up at all. There must be some ways that I can get him back to the person that was with me the first three months of dating.
Desperate Lover
Dear Desperate,
As an older reader recently wrote into me – you can only change a man when he’s a baby (think diapers).
He might be able to change tires, change oil and change a carburetor, but he doesn’t know how to change his drinking bad boy ways. I don’t think the guy he was for three months was him. I think he just hid that stuff from you. But now, it’s hard to hide it when you live together. Regardless, this is who he is. And you are the woman who can’t see the obvious. He doesn’t want to change any time soon. This is him. If he’s not changing, you need to change your way of thinking. It’s impossible to get him back to the guy he was because he’s never really been that guy. Face it – the most beautiful days with him may be over.
Dear Harlan,
The following is in response to your invitation regarding “Carolyn,” the girl who is concerned about balancing her studies and college life.
Do your homework. Almost all classes have required/recommended readings and written assignments. Do ’em. There’s plenty of time. Assuming that you’re taking 15 units, that’s 15 hours in the classroom a week, 18 or 20 if you’ve got labs/studio time.
Go to the library and get all your homework done before 5 o’clock, and while you’re there, check out the bulletin boards for cool happenings. If you don’t get it done by 5, then no partying for you that night until it’s done. Doing the readings will make the classes SO much more fun and less stressful, you’ll have extra time for your social life since you won’t be stressing. And go to class!
Assistant ProfessorThe Ohio State University
Dear Carolyn,
I totally agree. Going to classes is the secret to passing. Doing the reading is the secret to better grades beyond passing. Also, taking advantage of teachers’ office hours is a way to guarantee passing and with honors (well, almost). Office hours also offer a great way to know your professors and for them to know you – especially in huge classes.
College is like a job only you are your own boss, and you set your own hours. Go to classes, study early, and have a great time at night.
Write Harlan to [email protected] or visit online: www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Copyright Harlan Cohen.
