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Satire: Report: Absolutely zero students in Greek Life arrested this week at Ohio State

In yet another impressive week at Ohio State, reports claim not even one student in the Greek community has been arrested within the past seven days.

The week marks the first time in OSU history such a feat has been accomplished.

Greek Life makes many great strides with service and philanthropy but to have nobody legally detained is truly remarkable, said Devin Sacks, spokesman for the Office of Student Life, in an email.

“Sororities and fraternities represent more than 10 percent of our population, so having a full week where not even a single student did something stupid or illegal is really impressive,” Sacks said. “I’m proud to say there wasn’t even an underage consumption this week.

“We are very excited that no Greek student used a fake ID, got into a fight, trespassed, tried to break in anywhere or, heck, even littered for all I know,” he said. “We should definitely be proud of every single one of our Greek students after this week.”

Coming off of the excitement of formal recruitment, many sororities are proud none of their sisters got into any trouble during such an important couple of weeks.

Jackie Brocli, president of The Panhellenic Association, said she could not be more delighted to begin her friendship with her sisters not for the next four years, but for life.

“We’ve been working hard Instagramming pictures of our new besties to everybody, so we haven’t even had time to do anything illegal even if we wanted to,” Brocli said. “Also, we’re girls so we don’t do anything stupid anyway; it’s the boys you should worry about.”

Tucker Youth, president of the Interfraternity Council, also spoke behalf on the men involved in the Greek community.

“I am very impressed with the gentlemen we have here. Not only did anybody not get arrested for anything ridiculous like trying to steal a composite of a sorority. We also got along with each other immensely,” Youth said. “This week, we all acted like men our fathers would be proud of.”

Not to be outdone by the Greek community, student-athletes also had a week to relish in.

“Not one of our athletes received any violations either. Sometimes we have problems with underage consumption with our younger players, but this week everybody remained completely clean,” said an unnamed OSU spokesman.

While select communities went above and beyond this past week by neither embarrassing themselves or their organizations, other students who remain unaffiliated, sometimes known as “GDIs,” did not fare so well.

Reports claim 1,334 GDIs received underage consumption charges, 34 got assault charges, 19 got dumped and none received any bids.

This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously.

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