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Satire: Crime brief: Probably a bunch of it, pretty much everywhere

Last night, and pretty much every other night before that, a bunch of crime happened, just about everywhere.

Specific reports claim a very large number of students were victims of some type of crime somewhere on or around campus.

Over by William Oxley Thompson Memorial Library, two women were walking home at about 1 a.m. last night when a little bit of crime happened to them. Not too much, but enough to be reported.

The night before, simultaneous crimes were happening in both Lincoln and Morrill Towers at about 6 p.m. and 9:25 p.m. Later on in the night, even more crime happened down by the Olentangy River (if it’s still considered a river and not just a place where you can find stolen shopping carts).

Over on Pearl Street, there was definitely a bunch of crime. Seriously, so much. You should just stay off of Pearl if you want to live. It’s like, are you even trying to be safe? Don’t walk down Pearl Street. Period.

The report goes on to mention that even if you are one of the lucky students who has not yet been victimized in some way, you eventually will be. Statistics read that 1 out of 1 students will either commit a crime or have a crime committed toward them. Some will have both.

Earlier in the week, so many people were also arrested for just a plethora of different things. Think of every crime you’ve ever heard of, and assume at least one of them happened yesterday. Most of them on Pearl.

Unfortunately, The Dim Bulb does not even have enough paper stocked up to print all of the names of the people that were apprehended by police, because in order to do that we would have to cut down every tree in Ohio, and that, too, would be a crime.

Your best bet is to just assume everything is dangerous and these are mad times because everything is actually dangerous and these are, in fact, mad times.

This weekend, it is expected that crime will double, if not triple, due to the societal acceptance of abusing drugs and alcohol.

At press time, reports claim that if you’re not home right now, somebody is most likely in your house taking all of your things.

What’s that you say? You locked your door? Doesn’t matter. It was kicked in 10 minutes ago.

You should probably get home quickly, but you can’t.

Your bike is stolen.

This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously.

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