Listen up everybody, there’s an election coming up–pretty soon I think–and as an American citizen, it’s your duty to get out there and vote.If your reaction to this was:’There’s an election coming up?’ then this article’s for you, and I’m just the person to inform you of what you need to know, because I am as ignorant as yourselves. Point in fact, I have never technically voted before.The question that naturally follows is, how am I qualified to tell anybody anything about voting? This article is intended to make people who know how to vote possibly chuckle, and those who don’t, to look stupid. (Note: if you see anyone trying my voting techniques at the polls, please contact me. I have some real estate I would like to sell them, and possibly a stolen car or two.)Before you go into the voting booth, you need to be ready. The first issue to be addressed is where you go to vote. The answer to that is, I don’t know. I have a vague idea that elementary schools are involved but there’s a good chance that if you go wandering around elementary schools while school is in session, you will get arrested, and not called to babysit very often.The second concern is what to do if they actually let you in the voting center. You need to know what a ballot looks like. I asked my roommate, Jeff, what exactly a ballot does look like. ‘Leave me alone, I’m drinking,’ he said.A ballot is important because this is how you actually vote. By punching out the little hole under someone’s name or an issue, you are voting for them or it. The question now is, who do you vote for?The best way to get started is to punch out all the holes under people with the same first or last name as yourself. If it looks like the card is still kind of empty after this, you need to punch out more holes.The next step is to punch out holes under anybody with my name, ‘Dave.’ If your name is ‘Dave,’ you will substitute ‘Chuck’ for this stage.Still looking kind of empty? Voting at this stage becomes more difficult. I suggest you whisper through the booth to the person next to you, ‘Psst. I need a couple of names, quick.’ Continue this until you have filled your card adequately, or you are escorted from the voting facility.After this, I think you need to do something with your ballot, like turn it in. First, look for a box with a hole in the top of it. If one of these does not exist, look for someone who looks like they know what they’re doing, and attempt to hand your ballot to them. Just continue this until someone accepts your ballot, and you’re done.You have voted, and the country is a better place for it. No matter that my voting strategies left all the ‘Yes or No’ issues on your ballot untouched. The important thing is that you participated in a democracy, and possibly got arrested for trying to gain entrance to elementary schools. I commend you, and if one of us actually finds out where to vote, we may see each other.Dave Dewees is a sophomore majoring in journalism.