The ancient Greek philosophers asked many profound questions, but one left them stumped: “Are women really human?” The question remained unresolved though most of the Middle Ages. Thomas Aquinas himself refuted the possibility that women possessed the faculty of reason and maybe even souls.But now, at the turn of the millennium, our enlightened civilization has pretty much agreed that women do have an immortal essence of some variety. But the question of humanity is still a hot-button issue. Before we share some of our insights on this topic, Big Al and Harmon K. need to point out that they are not responsible for their opinions. The blame falls squarely on the shoulders of somebody else.Women and men, male and female – the great biological divide. Can it ever be bridged? Can we ever see eye to eye? Can our intellect leap the gulf of sexual dimorphism? Despite 30 years of the “feminist mystique,” Big Al and Harmon K. remain pessimistic and jaded. Don’t leap to conclusions: It’s not all due to their male chauvinism. The media are at fault. Women are at fault too. We will say nothing we haven’t seen on television first.Let us explain. Big Al and Harmon K. grew up in a house with Big Al, Harmon K., Poppa Vred and Momma Vred. They didn’t communicate with girls for, oh, about the first 18-19 years of their lives. So we grew up with a somewhat skewed vision about what the fairer sex was like. We pose this question to the men out there: What is your goal in life? Why do you do the things you do? What are you hoping for? You know the answer. Don’t give us bull about “nice house” or “sexy 1982 Lincoln Town Car.” Face it, all you want is some “action.” To get “some.” To get it “on.”The feminists were right all along: Men have only one thing on their minds. That house and car are just means to that end. We’re the first to admit it. Why are we in school? Why do we listen to Al Green? Why do we work so hard every single day of our lives? It’s simple – in the hope that maybe, just maybe, someday we’ll get a little “traction.”Now for all you ladies, you’re thinking: “Oh, not ‘Joe,’ or ‘Mike,’ or ‘Steve.’ He’s not just interested in my body.” Sorry to disappoint. But what about the ladies – what are their motivations in life? For a long time, Big Al and Harmon K. were confused about this. But we’ve now made up our minds. And women: If you don’t agree with our conclusions, you have only yourselves to blame.First, it is apparent that women don’t have a sex drive. At least, Big Al and Harmon K. have seen no evidence of women acting on it. Women want relationships, it’s true. Jane Austen novels all show the same plot: Woman finds man and has adventures trying to get him to marry. It’s all about marriage. And marriage is all about babies. Babies, babies and more babies.Women who claim not to want children are just sublimating their basic motivation and purpose in life. That’s the bottom line. Here’s what we’ve observed: Women like relationships. Women like to show their men off. Women like men, not because of sexual attraction; they choose their men based on whether he will be a good father to her children. Witness the popularity of artificial insemination – you get babies without having to mess with that tiring and inconvenient routine of biweekly coitus.Women, don’t yell at us. We’re just reiterating what Harmon K.’s zoology professors keep telling him. It’s how evolution works. Males go marauding across the countryside and females, with a bigger energetic investment in reproduction, want to select the most “fit” male to add his genetic component to her offspring.Big Al and Harmon K. wish the truth were different, but this is what we’ve observed. We’re going to stick to this conclusion until you ladies decide to prove us wrong – in the most convincing way possible.
Harmon K. is a junior zoology/history major. Big Al is a freshman CIS major. They are from Upper Arlington. They hope women don’t take this column as a pathetic plea for “fun ‘n frolic.” Seriously, they don’t.