This is Harmon K.:I speak on behalf of Big Al also, when I say I hope Stanley Kubrick’s new movie, “Eyes Wide Shut,” loses tremendous amounts of money and is derided by everyone who sees it. I mean, what was the guy thinking? There is nothing redeeming about the movie. I haven’t seen it yet, but we all know that Tom Cruise can’t act and the film was just an excuse for a dirty old man like Kubrick to lust over a naked Nicole Kidman having “sex.” Sure the movie is about “exploring the sexual underworld” – the underworld of Kubrick’s dirty mind. What a pervert! And Kubrick’s idea of sex isn’t the wholesome, American, man-on-top, get-it-over-with-quick variety: Apparently it’s kinky.I can understand why God struck him dead. I smile at the idea of Kubrick roasting in Hell, where he belongs. Sicko.I also applaud the actions taken by the upright and noble Motion Picture Association of America in calling Kubrick’s bluff and severely censoring the final cut. The MPAA didn’t buy Kubrick’s lies, and you shouldn’t either. For instance, these lies include:1) A blatant hypocrisy that “the movie was made for adults as a realistic expose of marriage, desire and relationships.” Fooey. It’s a thinly veiled attempt to warp our children into committing immoral and degrading sexual activities. Thank God for the computer-generated black-cloaked figures placed in front of the private parts of people at the orgy scene. Parents all over America can rest assured that, even if their children disobey the commands of their parents and their God and sneak into the R-rated film, their minds will remain pure. The studio’s editing of Kubrick’s original does no more disservice to him than cutting the chapters about Huck Finn’s dilemma over selling Jim into slavery would be a disservice to Mark Twain.Both Twain and Kubrick were atheists and subversive to boot.2) Roger Ebert’s line that the editing was just “cheap camera tricks” that “messed with the vision of a master filmmaker.” First of all, Ebert is a fat fool. God killed his partner, Siskel, for thoughts just like that. The black cloaked figures were nothing like the strategically placed fruit in “Austin Powers” – rather, they were expensive and convincing special effects, almost as realistic as the asteroid scene in “Armageddon.” “Armageddon,” unlike “Eyes Wide Shut,” is a great American movie. Last summer, I was pleased to see how many impressionable youngsters saw “Armageddon” and learned valuable life-lessons about the one-dimensionality of human character, and how courage and explosions can save the world.3) A complaint about “bias of the American rating system against sophisticated European films and the American audience’s inability to accept mature films.” Baloney. Our Great Republic’s film system perfectly serves its intended function: preventing our children from being exposed to realistic portrayals of sex while, at the same time, indoctrinating them to the excessive violence and unrealistic images of sex they need to keep the United States atop both the incarceration and divorce rate charts. The NC-17 rating is also a convenient slot to stuff satirical Trey Parker movies (“Orgazmo,” “South Park” – almost). My thanks go out to the 50 percent of U.S. newspapers and theaters which will not advertise or show NC-17 movies. Their dedication to moral principles is the only thing that stands between America and a tidal wave of pornography. Can you imagine what a sinful Gomorrah our country would be if 14- to18-year-olds actually had access to pornography or even engaged in intimate activity?I hope you will join Big Al and I in boycotting Stanley Kubrick’s “Eyes Wide Shut.” You can be rest assured that you are both saving your country and protecting America’s future – its children. Big Al and I hope someday to join the Motion Picture Association of America to continue its holy crusade against communism and subversion. Together with the Hollywood studios, we can assure American audiences of wholesome R-rated entertainment like “Wild Wild West” and “Deep Impact” far into the future. Stanley Kubrick: You’ll never work in this town again.
Harmon K. is a junior zoology/history major. Big Al is a freshman computer information science major. They are from Upper Arlington.