Perhaps the biggest benefit to this campus from the recent carpet-bombing by right-wing Christians, Jaredites and Fundobots is that the Brothers Vred have found RELIGION.No more columns advocating free love and cheap lobotomies. Big Al and Harmon K. listened to some Fundobots on the Oval for five minutes, and suddenly – just as advertised – the Holy Spirit entered into them and they began to speak with tongues.These Fundobots (a contraction of “Fundamentalist Robots” -Ed) were initially overjoyed, since the Brothers Vred appeared to be the first converts on this campus since the Nixon Administration. That joy soon turned to rage as the Fundobots discovered the Harmon K. and Big Al weren’t willing just to have ANY religion. They wanted, as the old hymn said, the “faith of our fathers, living still, in spite of dungeon, fire, and sword.”In short, the old-time RELIGION. The Brothers Vred, being REAL conservatives, don’t hold no truck with new-fangled ideas such as “God is love” and other jazz.The Tribe of Jared is to be commended, however, for opening our eyes to our sinful and fallen natures. We mean, when you think about it, we are all very sinful and wicked people. We are fallen from divine perfection.Ever since Adam was tossed out of the Garden, humanity has been subject to death, pain, bad hair days and explosive diarrhea.But Fundobots, and Jed particularly, have it all wrong. We can’t just choose to “love God” and all of a sudden get all so cute and cuddly that God can’t resist picking us up and putting us in that great doghouse in the sky.We suck (Zephaniah 2:6). God knows that. And these Fundobots are just on a “feel-good” binge to pick up your deservedly low self-esteem.This being the undeniable and Scriptural, truth about the world, Harmon K. and Big Al have decided to set the record straight about Christianity.Simply, the only correct religion is CALVINISM. It’s true, the Brothers Vred are the last living Calvinists, but that don’t matter ‘cuz you either Elect or you ain’t.We have a sneaking suspicion that AL GREEN is also a Calvinist at heart, since in the song “Can`t Get Next to You,” – referring to God, obviously – he sings, “All the things I want to do the most, I’m unable to do. Help me, yeah.”He means, as John Calvin himself would affirm, that we are unable to do anything in the least good. That’s what it means to be a Calvinist.We can’t stop sinning. Apart from the usual suspects of adultery, dancing, football and prostitution, Harmon K. would also like to point out that it’s a sin to drive, buy Coca-Cola and vote Republican (“Ye cannot serve both God and Mammon”).Can you imagine how great a sin it is to use air-conditioning while driving? Don’t even get us going about dancing, gambling and singing. We would have spelled that “singin'” but, as Calvinists, we are too uptight for apostrophes.Now that we’ve proven that Calvin was right, you must be asking yourself, what does it mean to be a Calvinist? It means you should start acting like the Vreds: acting out a sinful and corrupted pantomime of our ELECTED GLORY.We are Elect (Dutch Reformed, baby!). You can’t really know if you are predestined to hell or heaven until you bite it, but sometimes there are signs – like those the Brothers Vred possess. Like great material prosperity, self-righteousness and Divine Inspiration (as witnessed by this column).As Calvinists, we don’t worry ourselves with “testifying,” or care much about what the Fundies’ term our “walk.” We let the werd of God sort it out. He says he knows what’s best for us (Mark 8:15). However, like Calvin, we advocate a system of squealing on your neighbors, and all indecent and lewd acts should be reported directly to us.So tell all your friends the depressing news that is Calvinism. Not that it’ll do any good. We can’t force you to convert to our correct RELIGION, but all you Elect out there should remind your friends about Jesus, because it’s likely that they haven`t heard about him yet. Yeah. Theology is cool. John C.’s Jesus is better than your Jesus.
Harmon K. is a dental student. Big Al is a Prophet of the Most High. See the light at www.whipworm.com