Jason: They hate me, Dave.

He Hate Me: They’re just jealous. Don’t worry about it.

Jason: An 8-year-old girl was walking her dog. She spit on me and told me to move to Michigan.

Dave (formerly He Hate Me): Ouch. But really, Jason, you should be used to girls spitting on you by now.

Jason: True enough. But I didn’t expect the dog to spit on me, too.

Dave: Again, ouch. That hurts.

Jason: Dave, throughout our two decades of friendship, I’ve never felt this bad about myself.

Dave: We’ve been friends for two decades?

Jason: We met in 2000, which is the end of the ’90s and we are friends in 2001, which is the beginning of the ’00s. Thus, two decades.

Dave: Thus is a great word.

Jason: You’re an expert in what it is like to be hated, Dave. What advice can you give me?

Dave: About running for 10 yards against the No. 10 Bowl Championship Series team?

Jason: All right.

Dave: You know, I probably wouldn’t be able to rush for one, let alone 10 yards against the No. 10 BCS team, but I’ll tell you what: Athletes excel in the journalismistic field. Eric Dickerson, Magic Johnson, Joe Montana and OJ. Simpson – all stellar journalists.

Jason: True dat.

Dave: I’d run for 10 yards against Illinois before any one of the above “journalists” could use 10 or more words in a coherent sentence.

Jason: Well, I don’t hate you for that. But it’s tough for me to deal with intense hatred coming from people’s mouths these days. Apparently, the “Conversation” has even felt the wrath.

Dave: The grapes of?

Jason: No, the green or purple stuff is venom, not grapes. Apparently, some feel that the “Conversation” is a one-note inside joke written by two egomaniacs who feel getting their picture in the paper is more important than having substantive sports news.

Dave: So?

Jason: Good point. Speaking of substantive sports news, I recently read in The Lantern that an OSU quarterback was arrested for unnecessarily squealing his tires, or something like that.

Dave: And a letter to the editor yesterday explained that I, the “thinfamous” Dave O’Neil, wished I was quarterback when I walked into a bar on High Street.

Jason: That reminds me of a joke…

Dave: See, it depends. Say the bar was 74 inches off the ground. I wouldn’t want to be the 6-foot-3 quarterback. It would hit me square in the noggin. Now, if the bar was 5-feet-8 inches off the ground, it would be bad to be 5-foot-9 Dave O’Neil. If I was 6-foot-3 in that case, it would only hit my chest and wouldn’t hurt as much.

Jason: So unlike Skee-lo, you don’t wish you were a little bit taller, nor do you wish you were a baller.

Dave: Before I hit the highway, making money the fly way, there’s got to be a better way, better way, to finish our last “Conversation.”

Jason: You’re right, you’re absolutely right …

Dave: …

Jason: Oh, you mean now. OK. Well, I was just thinking about something that happened to me in fifth grade. It was my second season in little league and I was the worst baseball player ever. I had never had a hit my entire first year and all the kids hated me.

Dave: Some things never change.

Jason: So anyway, it’s the bottom of the sixth. We’re down 7-4 and bases are loaded. Yours truly is up. I’m down two strikes and about to go down again. But suddenly, I swing and hit a grand slam home run. We win 8-7 and I’m the hero of the game.

Dave: I remember Tom Mees telling me about that on SportsCenter. Did the childrens like you after that?

Jason: Well, no. But wasn’t that a heartwarming sports story?

Dave: And people say we’re egomaniacs?

Jason: Can you believe it? There’s a saying I once heard that I never really understood until now.

Dave: That honesty is the best policy? Me too, Mann. I never got that one, either.

Jason. No, O-Dogg. The saying that the pen is mightier than the sword.

Dave: Hell yes. Especially in the 1999 South Regional when he forced Erick Barkley to turn the ball over in the final seconds and sent OSU to its first Final Four in 31 years.

Jason: No, not Scoonie Penn. I’m talking about the power we have to write these words, when other journalism “haters” can only complain we’re not being cheerleaders.

Dave: Although I know I have the legs to pull it off, I don’t think you’d look that good in a cheerleading skirt, Jason.

Jason: Right. But we’re faced with a challenging task. We’re asked to write about what is going on in our community, our nation and our world every single day. But whenever we write about things that aren’t so cheerful or sunny, we receive hate mail from people who complain that we always print bad news or that we’re a damn, dirty liberal rag.

Dave: Well Jason, outside of my work, The Lantern is a dirty liberal rag.

Jason: But there’s at least one rose printed (almost) every week. The “Conversation” is always a ray of sunshine in the otherwise dreary existence of an OSU student.

Dave: I’ve been told in e-mails that I’m the only reason they can make it to their 8:30 a.m. class. They just gots to get they hands on a Lantern and see what I have to say. I’m that good. And Jason, The “Conversation” is that good.

Jason: We’re the best thing to happen to The Lantern since the invention of paper.

Dave: You know Jason, we’ve barely mentioned sports in this final, last “Conversation.”

Jason: There, we mentioned it again. Let’s close this one out, my friend. I’m thinking we’ll put in a little Phil Collins – perhaps a little tune called “Against All Odds” – and say goodbye as I fight these tears.

Dave: I wish I could just make you turn around, turn around and see me cry. There’s so much I need to say to you, so many reasons why. You’re the only one who really knew me at all.

Jason: So take a look at me now. Well there’s just an empty space. And there’s nothing left to remind me. Just the memory of your face.

Dave: And what a face it is. Goodbye, Jason.

Jason: Well said, my friend. Well said.

Lantern editor Jason Mann, who can be reached at [email protected], doesn’t hate the player, he hates the game. Lantern sports editor Dave O’Neil, who can be reached at [email protected], just told you to save the drama for your baby’s momma. Look for “Conversation with Jason & Dave” to appear soon in The New York Times.