Karl Marx yelled to his housekeeper from his deathbed, “Get out! Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough!” Union General John Sedgwick, perhaps in a model display of military intelligence, proclaimed while overlooking enemy lines from a fortification during the Civil War, “They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist …” Chris Hubbock, an American journalist, actually shot herself during a live newscast in 1970.

When looking for words (or bullets) to bid adieu, the search can become nauseating. The end result hopefully appears insightful and intelligent, and can sometimes happen by accident. I’ve tried to be as entertaining as possible, in a dead serious sort of way, when I put together a piece I know a lot of people will read. It’s fun and it’s tedious at the same time, if that makes any sense.

After some 16 columns or so, I think I’ve finally run out of words. I have ranted my rants and explained myself to pieces. It’s a job now, and in spring quarter, it will be someone else’s job. I’d like to thank everyone who gave me the opportunity to spend these past two quarters writing for The Lantern.

Da Vinci said, “I have offended God and mankind because my work did not reach the quality it should have.” I feel the same way in that if I wasn’t a columnist-slash-student-slash-guardian-of-capitalism at UPS, I could have put together something more worth reading. On that note, I leave you with some “friendly advice,” some makeshift recipes for eternal happiness. To paraphrase George Gipp, “… ask the boys and girls to go out there and drink one for the Gipper.”

First of all, finals week is no excuse not to drink on St. Patrick’s Day. As I told someone else earlier this week, the beer has nothing to do with the holiday, but that doesn’t matter. Study your ass off on Saturday, stay until about 11, and then prepare to hit O’Reilly’s around midnight. Two or three drinks will leave you in good shape for Sunday cramming. You owe it to yourself.

Don’t go anywhere for spring break. Tell your parents you need money for a trip to Cancun, and then gamble it away. I recommend online blackjack and college basketball; stay away from hockey. In fact, a drive to Windsor would be ideal, your U.S. dollars will go a lot farther up north. If you do this and still plan to go home before May, make sure you visit a tanning bed first.

Read something. The brain can go pretty stale in ten days. Check out an autobiography from the library. Buy a newspaper. Scrutinize the side of the Crunch Berries box if you have to. Keeping the big brain busy will make the transition to spring quarter that much easier.

Get phone numbers from your friends in your classes while you still have time, especially if you are staying in Columbus for the break. Take a little initiative; suggest a night out to the Brickyard or a Blue Jackets game. Improve your own little network; it will pay dividends in future quarters.

Complain about your grades. Get home phone numbers for your professors. Call them at 8 a.m. and go off about how you did work much better than “C” work, even if you think you were lucky to get a C. Most of them will get annoyed, but some might even cave. Either way, you’ll learn argumentative skills that will help you later in life. It’s a win-win proposition.

I have to study for finals now. Thank you for giving me a distinct voice, a life, in a sea of so many. Thank you very much.

Josh Zerkle is a senior in economics. He has Gonzaga in his Final Four. Reach him for comment at O’Reilly’s Pub on North High Street this St. Patrick’s Day, where he will be kissing the blarney like a mutha, or e-mail him at [email protected].