When I came to Ohio State I was somewhat lost. I took general classes and found nothing interested me. I mean, sure, this is the time for that clichéd “searching for what it all means.” But I tried to avoid that at all costs. Still, I needed something.
Last spring, I became an English major, and my life seemed complete. With an English major, everything seems perfect. First, there isn’t any boring emphasis on getting a job. How debasing. How trite. Now I am learning to understand things meant for high-society people like you — people who know how to really think critically; people who know what matters.
Sometimes, though, English majors hoard the wealth they receive. And because I was so changed by my illustrious incorporation into the Ohio State English commune, I thought I’d share some concepts that can make your life better by helping you sound like you know exactly what you are talking about in any conversation.
English people are word people, so here are some words guaranteed to help you out of those tight jams when that pesky wine-drinking grad student with the horn-rimmed glasses brings up some obscure author or album he knows you’ve never heard of (they love to do that):
Irony: Such a popular term. It’s always a good one to start off with, so people know you’re worthy of their time, not just some kid with a Weezer album. Before the great indie rock explosion, this used to be what we English people used to call a “ten-dollar” word. Now, though, it’s probably only going to pull about $6.75, but it’s still really helpful.
It’s a favorite at music stores and avant-garde movie screenings, especially those around campus. When at these events, try something like, “Well, of course, current bands seem purely overwhelmed by their ironic self-images, especially when these subcultural icons trickle down into TRL.”
Post-modernism: This is great one to drop at parties, especially those in the Short North or German Village. What’s great about the thousands of uses for this term is that most have no real reference to the concept itself. Still, it’s useful, especially when coupled with “irony” (see above) in discussions of art or music. Try this: “Well, Parker, you’re certainly right: DeLillo really illustrates such cultural confusion in his literature on post-modernism.”
Vis-Ã -vis: This, if you looked at a dictionary, means “face to face.” But really, to many it means much more. Using this around anyone who is anyone shows that you — yes, you — have not only read some in-depth critical theory, but understood the cute foreign catch phrases academy authors love to use.
Existentialism: This term exists in my mind, so maybe it just exists. True, even I don’t even know what this really means … but that won’t stop me from using it. A philosophy that deals with the individual and society is always a good way to set up a place to drop other terms to really warm responses.
Karl Marx: (Marxian theory works here also) Karl Marx thought history was shaped solely on class conflicts. But there won’t be any conflicts when you bring him up. You’ll be all class. Try this, “Indeed, Sylvia, Marx’s rhetoric has little bearing on post-industrial societal structure. Baudrillard is far more relevant.” (One caution: Not knowing this concept, as with “irony,” means immediate expulsion from most important conversations. So use carefully.)
Anyway, these simple terms can help you, especially when someone with New Age bowling shoes and Diesel jeans tries to steal your date with a fancy reference to symbolism, Ezra Pound or modern trends in aestheticism.
In closing, I hope this can help you sound intelligent, so you, too, can finally attend parties with expensive appetizers in houses with quality moldings.
Welcome to the Ivory Tower. Enjoy.
John Ross is a senior in English. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].
