Dear Harlan,
I have been in a gay relationship for over three years. We are both educated professional men. I have known that “Lou” had a girlfriend. I didn’t worry too much about it. I knew they did not have a sexual relationship. I was more worried about losing him to another guy. We have been getting along beautifully. My friends and family really like him. But he laid a bombshell on me when he became engaged over Christmas.
I’m, of course, hurt and upset. He wants children badly. I was involved with a very nice girl at one time, and I wanted a “normal” life, but I called it off because I realized that I could not do that to her or to any kids that might come along. My friends think that his girlfriend needs to know the truth. What do you think?
Upset!
Dear Upset,
You and “Lou” might have shared a bed, but you haven’t shared a bed with “Lou” and his girlfriend (I assume). The truth is that you don’t know what he told his fiancée and what he didn’t tell her. All you know is that he’s no longer with you.
Maybe she knows about his sexuality and doesn’t feel threatened. Maybe she only wants a baby, too. As for your ex, he could be happy. It’s his life and his choices. To me, you sound more like a jealous lover than a guy who’s looking after the best interests of an ex and his fiancée. The relationship is over. You need to move on.
Dear Harlan
I can’t cope. I don’t understand how to juggle college, home, friends and a job. And then there’s homework and extra work outside college like my music and drama exams. I’ve just had letters asking me to prepare auditions for my university applications. How am I supposed to fit this into my already out unmanageable busy life?
Seeking Balance
Dear Seeking,
To make matters worse — there are a lot of really good movies out. I still haven’t seen “Harry Potter” and “Gangs of New York.” And what about “Adaptation?” I know that you’re busy, but you should see a movie. Call it drama homework and relax. The point is to give yourself a little break.
Stop. Breathe deep and learn to manage your time differently. Head to the counseling center and seek someone to help you manage your time. When it comes to your job, consider a job with built-in down time to study. I always see student employees studying at information desks, in student convenient stores, and in computer labs. As for coursework, take advantage of your professors and teaching assistants’ office hours. Also, form study groups. It helps to study and to share notes should you miss class.
Should you find that you’re just trying to fit in too much, then lighten the load. You can only do so much. Give yourself an extra semester or two. Take summer school classes at home or on your college campus. The experiences you have outside the classroom will more than make up for the extra costs. Just use this time in college to better manage your life for the stress of today and for the stress of tomorrow. And please, go see a movie with your friends.
Need advice? Write Harlan at [email protected] or online at www.helpmeharlan.com. All letters submitted become property of the author. Copyright Harlan Cohen.
