Attention unpopular Hollywood actors and actresses — forget about those old-school, sophisticated colleges like Harvard, Yale or Berkeley. B-list actors don’t need acceptance into these universities to succeed in the working world. Different universities are coming into the forefront, and Ohio State is taking the lead.
Next year, two run-down teenage celebrities will be coming to OSU. That’s right, folks … the Olsen twins have chosen the home of the Buckeyes to have their college experience. Even CNN has done a little feature about the twins’ decision.
After filming in distant lands like Paris and London, they’ve decided the Midwestern charm of Columbus is attractive for a college atmosphere.
Now that both Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen will come next year, many may wonder who will follow in their footsteps. What other falling stars could make OSU their home for at least four years?
It might be interesting to fast-forward four years and catch a glimpse of a typical day in an OSU student’s life.
It’s 8:30 a.m. Jan. 29, 2007, and Political Science 110 isn’t all that interesting. The professor’s monotone voice is causing all the students to fall asleep at their desks.
Suddenly, the professor introduces his new teaching assistant — Chelsea Clinton. She decided to break the Clinton tradition by leaving Oxford for OSU’s prestigious graduate program, and she’s teaching the poli sci course as part of her graduate studies requirement.
After poli sci, there’s U.S. Constitution class at 10:30. However, you’ve made your entrance at 10:40 — 10 minutes fashionably late.
As you open the door, professor Kato Kaelin glares at you beneath the rim of his glasses as he lectures about First Amendment rights.
You mouth an apology to Professor Kaelin because his punishments are intolerable. His worst disciplinary action is when he shows up at your house unannounced to spend the weekend because his wife kicked him out.
The minutes pass by slowly, but soon it’s time for lunch, and you’re heading to The Oval. It’s a nice day with the sun shining down, and for some reason, there’s strange singing in the background.
Suzanne Somers, wearing a tight fitness leotard, is teaching Aerobics 101 on the green lawn, and she’s got the radio blasting out the latest in aerobic dance. “Tuck in your thighs,” she shouts over the music. “Bend over – one, two, three … now the other side.” During the procession, she keeps inserting 30-second Thighmaster blurbs.
Shaking your head, you trod over to the library. As you’re about to enter the main building, Library Director Ben Stein pushes the door open, almost knocking you down.
“Sorry,” he mumbles. “I’m late to the show … ‘Giving My Money to Help The Blackwell Fund.”
On the newspaper, you see a picture of the new president. Jaleel White (Steve Urkel from Family Matters) is grinning at you as his thumbs pull at his ugly blue suspenders. After Holbrook resigned, he took over OSU. His new initiative attempted to battery-power everything with cheese.
Yes, that’s right. Lame celebrities began flocking to OSU, and soon it was known as the lame celebrity university. There was no stopping them. They just began taking over everything, and it’s all thanks to the Olsen twins.
Fortunately, the rumors of the twins coming to OSU are false. All the e-mails of CNN stories students have been receiving are just hoaxes. However, it would be interesting to wonder what would actually happen to OSU’s campus if the two starlets did enroll here…
R.H. Aly is The Lantern’s answer to Joan Rivers and can be reached for comment at [email protected].
