Dear Ashley,
One of my best friends compliments me constantly. It has gotten to the point where I cringe when I see her because I am anticipating whatever compliment she is going to give me. She does it so often that it has gotten really uncomfortable – I have tried complimenting her back, and I have tried ignoring her. Is there any way to tactfully get her to stop without sitting down with her and being confrontational? I would like to avoid a situation like that. Thanks, Apparently Flawless
Dear AF,
You don’t need an etiquette columnist – you need a psychiatrist for your friend. As long as what you are describing is more than just a few compliments too many – if it is a constant barrage, enough to make you uncomfortable– you first need to pinpoint the reason that she is doing this, in order to know how to deal with it correctly. I suspect she is doing either one of two things: Is she passive-aggressive, or insecure?
If she is insecure, she is probably “fishing” for compliments for herself, consciously or not. Is your friend always looking for approval? Does she have low self-esteem? Yes? By complimenting you so much, she is probably expecting one or two to get thrown back her way.
Unfortunately, if this is the case, it is also the case that she is unaware of the etiquette rule applying to compliments: The only appropriate response to one is “Thank You.” A compliment as a response to a compliment will almost certainly be seen as insincere, and self-deprecation in response to a compliment is tacky, and sad. If your friend is the insecure type, she deserves a discrete and sincere plea from you to cease her compliments and maybe a reminder of her own worth.
If your friend is being passive-aggressive, she is a different animal all together and, if you wish, you are free and clear to enter into the trenches of her disturbed mind. For instance, the next time she tells you that your Chapstick is shiny and luminous you could say, “Thank you. I did it on purpose.” Or, if she tells you that she has always admired your hair, you could say, “Actually, I was hoping we could talk about my clothes today. Talking about my hair gets boring for me.” Of course, you should never respond like this unless you absolutely need to. Good Luck!
Dear Ashley,
In early high school, I became obsessed with pigs. Ever since then, I receive pig-themed gifts from all my friends and relatives. After four years of this, my tastes have changed, and I am very sick of pigs. I have pig everything, from rugs to coffee cups to clothes to blankets; the list goes on and on. My question is, how can I get people to stop buying me pig things? I can’t say it outright, can I? But on the other hand, I really can’t deal with any more pigs! Sincerely, Very Over Pigs
Dear VOP,
Firstly, count yourself lucky to have friends and relatives that take such active consideration in their gifts to you! Pig things can’t be very easy to find. You must surround yourself with extremely thoughtful people. Unfortunately, there is absolutely no tactful way to direct people what gift to give you. It isn’t appropriate. Even if they ask you what you would like for a certain occasion, it would not be OK for you to respond with, “anything that doesn’t have a pig on it.” As the recipient of a gift, your job is to be gracious before, during, and after said gift. Good Luck!
Ashley Hoffman is a senior in English. She can be reached for questions and comments at [email protected].
