I am the smartest person at Ohio State.*

This statement is based on the assumption that the talent pool consists of 5-foot-7-inch Indian males enrolled in finance and political science who drive a Honda Accord, have a scar on their forehead and have lived in Medina, Ohio, for nine years.

Elmer Wheeler said, “It is the sizzle that sells the steak and not the cow.” Politicians grabbed this statement by the horns and have made the asterisk the most powerful weapon in the English language. It plays multiple roles and can drastically alter stories and statements. They’re able to do this because, like a cow, no one really cares about the essential details an asterisk can reveal. Whether it’s Kobe beef or processed meat from New Jersey, no one pays attention as long as it sounds and looks good.

Almost everything President Bush says warrants an asterisk. Unfortunately it’s not plausible for him to say “I care about all Americans … asterisk.” But if he won’t verbalize when an asterisk is necessary and the White House won’t insert them in official transcripts, what can we do? Luckily for you, I’m going to explain where some asterisks should have been placed in Bush’s nationally televised speech last week regarding his Social Security and energy policy.

“I propose a Social Security system in the future where benefits for low-income workers will grow faster than benefits for people who are better off.”*

Bush is trying to sugarcoat some bitter news. Luckily the asterisk reveals what he really meant.

Though he didn’t actually say benefits will be cut for middle- and high-class individuals, this is exactly what happens under the “progressive indexation” plan Bush is subtly backing. Future growth rates for wealthier people would be limited by tying growth to prices rather than wages. However, benefits to low-income people would remain tied to wages and stay the same. So we’ll pay the same amount of taxes, but our benefits will be cut if our income is at or higher than the national average.

Bush expressed his interest in increasing nuclear power plants. “It’s time for America to start building again.”* The asterisk is imperative because it reveals an important history that diminishes the grandeur of Bush’s statement.

Though Bush cited red tape as one of the reasons for lack of new plants, the primary roadblock is that the public is concerned with the disposal of nuclear waste. We’ve spent $40 billion building a hole in Yucca Mountain and there is still a chance it might never even open. Bush can’t jump-start the industry because he doesn’t have any ideas of how to clear one of its most pressing issues.

Bush has been an adamant supporter of drilling in Alaska. He claims that because of 21st-century technology drilling will not drastically hurt the environment and that “technology now enables us to use just 2,000 of that 19 million (acres) to be able to explore for oil and gas.”* The asterisk is crucial because it allows Bush to manipulate data.

Technically Bush is telling the truth. Oil drilling equipment will only have a footprint of 2,000 acres. However this figure doesn’t include all the space that roads and pipes will take up because they don’t physically touch the ground. This clearly changes the argument because with this assumption, I can argue my apartment can accommodate several jets because airplane tires take up only two or three meters.

The use of an asterisk has become increasingly vital as politicians continue to use it so they can manipulate their words. It’s being used so people can escape from directly making a statement that will have repercussions or to hide ulterior motives. Because of this abuse, we the public are no longer able to enjoy the sizzle and must constantly focus on the cow.

Vijay Ramanavarapu is a senior in finance and political science. He’ll eat any steak that comes with lots of A1 Sauce. He can be reached at [email protected].