Four years ago, something very special and important came into my life. After weeks of waiting, wishing, hoping and praying, it finally arrived. And while it was completely awesome at first, time has finally taken its toll on our relationship and I must cut the cord. Literally. My computer is dying, and I must pull the plug, but not before I remember some of the great and not-so-great times we had together.
Having seen how crappy the computer my mom had purchased was, I spent some time shopping around, making sure my needs were met. I was looking for one that would let me continue dabbling in artistic interests. I settled on a mid-level Gateway computer with added “music” and “photography” software packages, a printer, and a free digital camera (an unexpected extra). About a month after I started school, Mom brought three huge boxes down to my residence hall, beginning a tumultuous love affair between my computer and me.
What made things difficult was the fact that my computer ran on Windows ME. To make a long story short, Windows ME is about as effective on computers as waving a giant bar magnet near the hard drive. Almost immediately after I plugged it in, my computer decided it would be fun to crash and lock-up over and over again upon starting up. Luckily, one of my roommates had experienced the exact same problem with his computer, and was able to make the first of the countless jerry-rigs that kept my computer running.
It also didn’t help that, within a year, my printer also died, in one of the most bizarre computer-related mishaps I have ever seen. While I was printing out a paper for class, my printer decided it was tired of printing pages: it wanted to be a fax machine. I watched, in shocked disbelief, as a sheet of paper made it halfway out of the printer, then was sucked back from whence it came, with a horrific screech and shudders. It was truly remarkable.
Once things settled down (and I disposed of my old printer in spectacular fashion), things went well. I downloaded MP3s with gusto and began to buff my knowledge of music to a fine glow. I was able to realize my dream of defaming my friends through songs, frequently utilizing a fool-proof pop formula: chanted insults plus the beat from Enigma’s “Sadeness” plus pop-culture quotes equals laugh-out-loud funny.
I also began my journey into photography, armed only with that cheap digital camera, a third-rate Photoshop clone, and extreme boredom during my freshmen year. I would spend many a late winter’s night walking around the campus area, taking pictures of campus buildings at night, and digitally screwing around with the color balance of my photos. There was something oddly satisfying about taking self-portraits and making them look like they were paintings, or mosaics, or bubble-wrapped. It may not be Ansel Adams-quality, but I think my pictures are pretty cool.
In recent months though, the spark has left our relationship, as Windows ME and multiple power outages have taken their toll. Like a rotting zombie, my computer has shed its ability to perform simple tasks. It is bogged down in spyware and viruses. Microsoft Word stopped running for a while. Adobe Acrobat bit the dust, forcing me to run to computer labs and pay through the nose for copies of required course readings.
The straw that broke my computer’s back was when, after it refused to play a CD by locking up, I had to restart my computer seven times before it would stop crashing on start-up. Each crash was met by louder and angrier bursts of profanity, as I pleaded, cajoled and threatened my computer with wanton acts of violence.
I have it all planned out. When my computer finally dies I will dig out my old trombone and attempt to play “Taps.” I will lower the hard drive, monitor, keyboard and mouse into their cardboard coffins, and tape the lids shut. I will give them a stiff military salute, then me and my closest friends (Kyle, Ben, maybe some bum I give $1.54 in change to) will solemnly lug the boxes out of my house. Then, with a ceremonious heave-ho, we will toss the boxes into a dumpster. They will arc gloriously into the sky before crashing down to Earth in a pile of trash bags, beer bottles and unwanted furniture. We will then wash our hands and go to Larry’s.
Benjamin Nanamaker is a senior in journalism and English with a vendetta against crappy electronics. E-mail him at [email protected] for pictures of the now-legendary decimation of his old printer.
