It used to be the case that watching William Shatner dance around in a three piece suit, surrounded by model-esque women in little red dresses and shouting out orders like a Starfleet captain was only something you could dream about after a late-night, jalapeno packed meal at Mad Mex. But thankfully, this Shatner circus is as real as the mole on Cindy Crawford’s face.

Last week I was unfortunate enough to catch the first episode of ABC’s new “high-octane” variety game show, “Show Me the Money.” At first, because of the bright colors, tan women and excessive dancing, I thought I was watching Telemundo, but once William Shatner pranced on stage and bellowed “let’s boogie,” I recognized it was a sign of the Apocalypse.

The rules of the game are pretty simple. Contestants call on one of 13 former XFL cheerleaders to show them their scrolls, which have different dollar amounts printed on them, and then they answer a series of questions. If they answer correctly, contestants win the money and if they answer incorrectly, they lose the money. The goal is to get six questions right before you get six questions wrong; however, contestants can also lose if they unknowingly pick the wipeout scroll, or if Shatner dances the Salsa, in which case everyone loses.

According to the ABC Web site, adding to the variety aspect of the show, the 13 dazzling “Million Dollar Dancers” (also known as the ladies with scrolls) are ready to break into any style of dance, while the audacious master of ceremonies, Shatner, spontaneously boogies with the beauties. For their dancing convenience, the set of the show also comes with stripper poles for the ladies who are sadly, the best part of the show.

The questions ranged from easy to pretty easy. They’re mostly about pop culture and the arts, like all the pink questions from Trivial Pursuit. There are no life lines and you can’t phone your friends, but you can do any dance you want when they cut to a commercial, which is even better.

The obvious choice for host of a show called “Show Me the Money,” is of course, Cuba Gooding Jr., but one can only assume he’s hard at work in Alaska filming the sequel to “Snow Dogs.” My second choice would have been Christopher Walken, who has proven himself to be a wicked-good dance and someone who knows his way around a cowbell. But what viewers are left with is Shatner, who’s shamelessness is both admirable and disturbing at the same time.

By now you’re probably wondering if this show is as terrible as it sounds and the answer is yes. It’s not an entire waste of time either. No other show successfully combines the elements of “Star Trek,” “Destinos” and the Miss America Pageant so effortlessly.

Although this is one of the worst programs I’ve ever seen, there are some things I really appreciate about it. I’m glad that executive producer Mike Nichols and his team realized that viewers like to see beautiful ladies on TV. I’m glad Tom Bergeron (America’s Funniest Home Videos, Hollywood Squares and Dancing with the Stars) wasn’t asked to host the show because I hate his obnoxious, game-show-host voice. And I’m really glad that Ken Jennings hasn’t been on this show yet because everyone knows he’s really an android and he doesn’t need any more game show money, especially when it could be going to a guy named Denny from Maple Lake, Minn.

Despite ABC’s promise that this is a “roller coaster ride” of a game show, it feels more like the tea cups at Wyandot Lake. I wish Shatner continued success as an actor, musician and in his many appearances at science fiction conventions around the country, but “Show me the Money” is still a banker, a bald guy and 13 women short of entertaining.

Jason Turner is a senior majoring in journalism who watches too much TV. He can be reached at [email protected].