I’m taking a break again this week. For the last time this quarter, here’s Dirk:
“I am a straight male.
That statement would not be necessary, except my story starts at a drag show.
I have been to one, and I have to say they are quite a good time. I don’t know what it is, but if you ever get the chance to attend one I highly recommend it. Even better, make sure you get to the after party. These parties are full of ladies and no competition; however, at one point, I was with my friend and a drag queen walked up to me and whispered in my ear, ‘I want you inside me.’ I replied, ‘No thanks.’ Then he/she grabbed my hand and said, ‘Just finger it a little.’ Finger what? I didn’t stay there long enough to find out.
Still, my experience that night kept me thinking. What is my hang-up about being with another guy? What I have since decided on comes to three things:
First, the specific orifice in question. There’s nothing appetizing to me about being anywhere near a woman’s backdoor, much less another fella’s.
Second, I’m not attracted to the male form. I can appreciate another man’s physique, but the thought of running my fingers up and down a hairy chest and between six sculpted abs kind of freaks me out.
Finally, I can’t touch someone else’s penis. It took me 16 years to get comfortable with my own, and although I can look at one with no problem – my roommate whips his out constantly – I don’t think I could ever handle someone else’s.
The first point is irreconcilable. I’ll never get over it.
The other two points, however, seem shallow to me. I can be with women I am not immediately attracted to physically and after getting to know them for a bit, find them to be interesting, sensitive and intellectually curious people. I find some of my guy friends exhibit these same personality traits, but I still would not sleep with any of them.
Also, alcohol has been traditionally a good mechanism to get over some appearance or personality flaws, but I’m yet to drink enough SoCo to want to give one of my roommates a reach around.
Am I really willing to eliminate half of the population from my radar because they have the wrong equipment? Once I’m past any religious inhibitions, having a penis or vagina seems equally arbitrary as having blond hair, blue eyes or black skin. To be honest, I initially thought the vagina was gross.
The idea of being disgusted by a part of the body seems so junior high. Is there a possibility I’m just not accustomed to the specific tools, and eventually I could move past my aversion to them? I don’t know, and maybe I don’t want to.
According to a friend of mine, Kirk, there’s a simple test. His roommate, Harry, told him he thought he was bisexual and that he’d made out with a few guys. Kirk said, ‘You’re not bisexual.’ Harry said, ‘No, I think I am.’ So Kirk responded, ‘Would you have sex with another guy?’ Harry thought about it, said he wouldn’t, so Kirk said, ‘Then you’re not bisexual.’
Forget that the statement reeks of ignorance. I think it illustrates an interesting point: We all have different ideas of what makes someone gay or straight, but in the end most of us can’t come up with a good answer. I tend to take the easy way out and say your sexuality is predisposed from birth. If that’s the case, I have nothing to worry about.
But Alfred Kinsey once said there are virtually no people who are completely gay or straight, and we all fall on the spectrum in various middle grounds. I can watch homosexual sex, I’ll even admit I’ve had a few disturbing dreams, but I think I’d fall short of actually being able to go through with it. So on a scale of one to gay, where would I be? Maybe somewhere between Eddie Murphy – ‘I didn’t know it was a guy’ – and Ted Haggard – ‘God doesn’t count it if you’re the pitcher.'”
The Naked Truth according to Dirk and Penelope is written collectively by The Lantern editors. We want to hear from you. This week’s question: What are your sex etiquette rules? E-mail answers to [email protected].
