This week I have paid attention to the Undergraduate Student Government more than ever before. At The Lantern we made a conscious effort to improve our coverage this year, and as a result I have come to several deep insights:

-Those in USG are dedicated. Why else would they stand in constant, dreary rain all day long and send endless Facebook invitations, even though they’re just going to be ignored?

-You can avoid their chatter and fliers by glaring directly at them and making sure your hands are full. For bonus points, wear headphones – then they know you aren’t listening.

alt=”Presidential candidate Branden Albaugh (left) and running mate Julia Kennedy (right) celebrate after winning jeopardy. Photo by Christian Lautenschleger.”> Christian Lautenschleger/THE LANTERN Presidential candidate Branden Albaugh (left) and running mate Julia Kennedy (right) celebrate after winning jeopardy.

-It’s really annoying that my mind immediately translates the Ben and Jordan sign to Ben and Jerry’s. It might have been forgivable, except that Ben and Jerry’s samples are not a part of their campaign.

-Candidates and campaigners give me a lot of condoms. Do I look especially promiscuous?

-USG folks are rolling in the dough. The elected president gets tuition, room and board and an A parking pass for the whole year (around $17,000 for in-state, according to osu.edu) even if they don’t need it.

-USG is very serious about violations. They hold closed-door trials in the dead of night. They recently conducted such a judicial hearing about a campaign violation at 11 p.m.

-They release audio of their closed hearings 24 hours later, so why are they closed anyway?

-Despite the fact that USG constantly talks about communicating and marketing more to students, they don’t like to talk about what they are doing.

-USG elections aren’t that different from student council elections. All you need to run are lots of friends and ridiculous promises. Bus shuttle services to hometowns? Textbook rental programs? USG raising the standard of living off-campus? Mmhmm … Remember the candidate in fifth grade who promised pizza parties every Friday? That didn’t happen either.

All of this knowledge has given me a new perspective on our esteemed student government. First of all, I finally know when USG elections are for the first time in three years. Secondly, 10 percent of OSU students will vote on the recipient of $17,000. I think if they knew that, the voters would all be writing themselves in.

Well, whatever they do, I realize that voting for USG candidates is like voting for “American Idol”: You come to expect scandal, and you love it. You pick your favorites based on something that has nothing to do with the contest (people voted for Taylor Hicks because he was friendly, but he sucked). You know there’s a 90.32 percent chance they will flop and never do anything worthwhile. Still, if they do something good, you can say you knew it all along.

Everdeen Mason is The Lantern Editor-in-Chief. She can be reached at [email protected].