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Using alternative methods to elect a USG presidential team

USG elections are tomorrow and Friday, which is a time of year when many students become cynical about university government. Often, a student writes to The Lantern, informing readers that he or she will not be voting because “it really doesn’t make any difference.”

I do not feel this way. In fact, I take my job as a student voter very seriously. I have even devised a complex system that helps me decide who to vote for.

The system takes into consideration the factors that many students overlook.


Only rubes vote for candidates based on policy. The name makes all the difference.

Jacob Foskuhl and Melissa Kellams: Any way you look at it, these names do not roll off the tongue.

Kevin Flynn and Andrea Blinkhorn: I would unashamedly vote for a Foghorn/Blinkhorn pairing. Unfortunately, only half the ticket came through.

Nick Messenger and Emily DeDonato: Their last names loosely translate to “Messenger of Donatos.” Though the pizza might be overpriced, any college kid can appreciate the effort. And I enjoy the workman-like attitude their names exude.

Advantage: Nick and Emily


A candidate’s name is important, but it is not everything. He must also look the part. I do not judge based on attractiveness — that would be weird and I have no room to talk. I make my selection based on dress. For this, I look only at the president, from their picture in The Lantern last week.

Kevin: He looks the most presidential, but maybe too much so. The suit and tie make him look stiff.

Nick: By wearing a T-shirt, he looks the most like me. But I don’t think of myself as being presidential.

Jacob: I don’t usually fall for moderates, but based on the current system, I must be fair. He took the middle ground and wore a button-up shirt without a tie. Casual and comfortable. Respectable.

Advantage: Jacob and Melissa


Every ticket has a catch phrase, though I am pushing for legislation to ban them.

Nick and Emily: “Together students can.” This is a little too vague, especially for a college election. One must consider, “together, students can (and have) burned couches.”

Jacob and Melissa: “Make it happen.” Again, too broad. It is as if the last two slogans would be better if combined: “Together students can make it happen.”

Kevin and Andrea: “Your vision. Your voice. Your university.” That rolls off the tongue and sounds mostly positive. But it doesn’t exactly put me at ease. My vision requires me to wear glasses. My voice is dry and scratchy. And my university is about to become my alma mater.

Advantage: Ralph Nader

Sidewalk chalk

The best way to communicate, except when it rains.

Jacob and Melissa: I am not sure what a pinwheel has to do with an election, but they were well drawn.

Nick and Emily: They certainly take the cake for biggest ads, though this makes me wonder if they are overcompensating for deficiencies elsewhere.

Kevin and Andrea: Based on my unscientific count of chalk ads, they had the most. However, they did not include a design, which could mean they either have diligence or lack creativity. I’ll say diligence.

Advantage: Kevin and Andrea

It looks like a dead heat. So who will I vote for, you ask? Sorry, but I charge for that kind of information.


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