Drunk dial (DRUNK dy-uhl) v. To make an embarrassing phone call while inebriated. Also: drunk dial n. A phone call made when drunk.
You awaken with a Texas-sized headache and swear never to drink again. The room spins, but your dry mouth and queasy stomach are no match for the pain you feel when you discover your cell phone.
Despite your wide-open recall gaps, the phone memory doesn’t lie. You really did call your ex, your mother and … your high school youth pastor?!?! The emotional hangover takes over. At this point, I recommend the Drunk-dialing Deflation Calculation to estimate the extent of morning-after damage: multiply the sum of drinks imbibed by quantity of desperation, then divide by the number of friends attempting to stop you from pressing send. Adjust the computation for type of alcohol consumed: add two for beer, four for wine, and 10 for liquor (but if tequila is involved, square the total).
By this calculation, you will arrive at a drunk-dialing statistic that is both frighteningly accurate AND verifiable by your phone’s outgoing call list. Landlines and pagers were bad enough, but in the ’90s there were only so many pay phones at a given bar. Unless you carried your ball and chain in the form of a piggy bank full of quarters, you wouldn’t have enough change to do near the damage inflicted by unlimited nights and weekends.
With the cellular revolution it has become possible to commit phone assault (aka: shouting expletives, name-calling and general ugliness) from anywhere with a digital signal. Drunk dialing often equals relational suicide. So what, aside from adopting a pretechnological cult, can be done to stop the rising death toll?
Stop drinking altogether. Next option, please. Purge your phone of dangerous numbers. This does not work if they are emblazoned on your brain like a bad tattoo. Trade phones with a friend. From personal experience, I wouldn’t recommend this option unless your friend is very responsible; you never know when a homeless man is going to end up answering your calls. Invent a phone Breathalyzer – so you can’t dial except select emergency numbers – when intoxicated, or enter group therapy to be able to say, “My name is _______, and I am addicted to drunk dialing.” Create your own SADD spin-off: Students Against Drunk Dialing could conduct service projects such as organizing a phone check at the bar. For a $1 donation they would hold your phone all night and, if the emergency arises, make a call for you.
Or consider the following inalienable truths: 1. All drunk dials are not created equal. There is a definite hierarchy from least to most deadly. A call to your best elementary school pal is probably harmless, but an unrestrained message to your boss could land you without a job. 2. What goes around comes around. If you are obsessively calling the ex-girlfriend who broke your heart, her new boyfriend will eventually track you down and break your legs. 3. After three or more calls, a potential hook-up will hang up … and never call you back.
However, if strategies and sober-light-of-day realizations fail to muzzle your after-hours chatting, don’t waste time beating yourself up. According to research conducted by Virgin Mobile, 95 percent of cell phone customers have made drunken phone calls – 19 percent to current partners, 30 percent to ex-partners and 36 percent to anyone and everyone else (including bosses!).
The survey prompted Virgin Australia to launch a call-blocking service. For only 25 cents, a customer can blacklist a number until 6 a.m. the next day – a minimal price to keep one’s self-respect intact. I appeal to Virgin to bring this service state-side, but until then please remember: Friends don’t let friends dial drunk.
Rebecca Miller is a senior in psychology. She can be reached for comment at [email protected].
