By now, the annoyance of spam e-mails has become a part of almost everyone’s life. The most prevalent of these e-mails – those for debt relief, college girl webcams and the enlargement of certain body parts – have been well documented and ridiculed.
However, because most people are so perturbed by them they indiscriminately hit the delete key without taking the time to notice some spam of lesser acclaim. This spam is something I call the “good spam,” the kind that amuses my endlessly caustic wit.
It first hit me after a late-night intramural hockey game. Too amped to sleep at 2 a.m., I started checking my e-mail and noticed one from the sender “Gas Mask,” with the subject line “Yes, a gas mask is serious business for serious times.”
My first reaction was something along the lines of “No, it’s not,” and that these people are preying on the irrational fears of post-Sept. 11 Americans. Sitting here in Ohio, I have a hard time believing that I am going to be the victim of a chemical weapons attack. Of course, if I’m proven wrong, then that would perhaps be the definition of irony, but I am willing to take that risk.
But after thinking some more, I realized, hey, what do I know? Maybe I do need a gas mask. Sufficiently intrigued, I clicked the link, navigating my way to www.approvedgasmask.com (I wouldn’t want a gas mask that is not approved you know).
I found out that the cheapest gas mask available was a cool $98. Not bad, I guess, for my continued personal safety. However, upon further review, would a gas mask under a hundred dollars really protect me if the Democrats regain power and the terrorists win? Doubtful.
Moving up in price, I noticed a gas mask that looked like some sort of black, alien creature that covered the entire face. It cost $317.50. Now that was a kick-ass gas mask. Wearing it, not only would I be invincible when it comes to gases, I could scare small children and probably rob a bank with ease.
Sadly, I did not make a gas mask purchase that day, but because that spam e-mail tickled my funny bone in the wee hours of the morning, I was alerted to the true importance that a gas mask holds in today’s society.
Since then, I have been intrigued by the loopy spam e-mails that have entered my inbox. Considering I receive more than a hundred per day, it isn’t hard to find something off-the-wall. Instead of being a nuisance, spam is now something that I look forward to.
For example, Sunday I received an e-mail with the subject line “The brainwashing software they tried to ban.” First of all, who are “they,” anyway? I can only assume that means the Republicans, because they are the ones trying to ban everything from gay marriage to public broadcasting.
Anyway, this is what spam is for. I don’t need debt relief (yet), but I could always use some brainwashing powers. Consider me dangerous now. I could be brainwashing you throughout this column. You never know.
Spam is also good for Oreos. Yes, the cookie. Recently I’ve been hit with a barrage of e-mails promising me a complementary year’s supply of the cookie. I’m sure there is some catch, but who cares? It’s assuredly worth it for a year’s supply of Oreos.
Sometimes, these e-mails just miss the mark. For example, the person (or machine) offering me a free Coach handbag is slightly off on its target demographic. It’s the same with whoever is offering me a “wide array of glowsticks.” Admittedly, glowsticks are kind of cool, but I am not 10 years old, nor am I going to a rave any time soon, so I think I’ll save my money until I start cashing in on my newly-acquired brainwashing powers.
I’m still waiting for the spam e-mail that promises me free Spam for a year. While the Spam wouldn’t be delicious, the irony would be, and that’s all that matters.
Jeff Svoboda is not above tossing political barbs in his columns. Svoboda, a senior in journalism and political science, requests that you do not send spam to [email protected].
