I have always had a personal hatred toward mascots – except Brutus and Mr. Red of course. I’m not quite sure why, but I think it has something to do with my disdain for shallow marketing tools.

And let’s face it, mascots are the granddaddy of shallow marketing tools.

Perhaps that is why I find myself extremely disturbed by this year’s men’s NCAA basketball tournament. The games have been exciting, but the mascots have been downright dreadful – and highly disturbing.

I’m not referring to actual team nicknames (Wichita State’s is hysterical) but rather the physical creatures walking the baselines.

For those who are not aware, the current NCAA tournament features some of the ugliest and god-awful looking “costumes” ever created.

Because of the limited length of this column I will save my precious space to expound upon the two most atrocious: George Mason University’s Gunston and Georgetown University’s Jack the bulldog.

I first saw Jack – face to face – following Ohio State’s first-round victory against Davidson College in Dayton on March 17. I was walking back to the media room – OSU’s news conference had just ended – when I was stopped by a band of Georgetown cheerleaders leading a giant, gray object down the runway and onto the court.

The object was Jack.

Jack is not a bulldog.

Jack is one of those pig things that guard Jabba’s palace in “Return of the Jedi.”

He looks like something that belongs in a galaxy far, faaaaaaar away.

The most uncomfortable aspect of Jack’s appearance is by far his head. This thing looks like a three-ton sphere with eyes, jaws and a snout – yes a snout. On a dog.

If this weren’t creepy enough, Jack’s dome is topped off with a 1920s-style baseball hat. (No wonder Jack needed help onto the floor – the student inside the costume was probably using every ounce of strength to prevent his/her head from snapping off at the neck.)

Speaking of necks, did I mention that Mr. the bulldog also wears a spiked collar?

Apparently Jack is not only a furry’s dream come true, but also a fan of bondage. Either that or a frequent Hot Topic patron.

For the next few hours I couldn’t shake the image of Jack from my head. My horror only magnified when I found out that OSU was going to have to play Georgetown in the second round.

Unfortunately, I had no idea what was awaiting me on Sunday.

OSU’s game was the second of a double-header. The first was George Mason vs. North Carolina.

Now to bring everyone up to speed, I left Dayton Arena on Friday during the Georgetown game so I was not aware of what other mascots were wandering around the premises. So when the GMU cheerleaders took the floor – led by Gunston – I browned my shorts. And then lost all faith in humanity.

Gunston is quite possibly the most horrific thing I have ever seen in my entire life. He/she/it looks like a bastard creation of Sid and Marty Krofft. A character too screwed up for “H.R. Pufnstuf” and too lame for “Land of the Lost.”

Gunston is a giant, green, fuzzy, bi-pedaled monster-type creature with a round yellow nose. It wears a powdered wig and a three-corner hat with yellow trim. It also is adorned in a GMU basketball jersey and jersey shorts.

Shorts.

And a wig.

Gunston wears shorts and a whig.

I no longer hate mascots.

I hate life.

So, so much.

John Snodgrass is the sports editor at The Lantern. He is a complete moron and can be told so at [email protected].