We are college students. We read. We go to class. We write. We think brilliant thoughts (sometimes but not always). There are, of course, other things we do as well. We drive. We buy things (CDs and Altoids.) We eat (pizza and wings with cappuccino and nothing else). We wear stylish clothes ( and not-so-stylish clothes as well). We contribute in a decidedly positive manner to society at-large, but we are not recognized for this (who behaved better at The Stones concert, the baby boomers or us?) In exchange for our contributions (monetary, intellectual, cultural, and otherwise), these are our demands.1. To the credit card companies who insist on calling at the worst possible time: We are students and legally below the poverty level. Do you think we can afford another credit card? No, you don’t. That’s why you call. Also, do you think we have nothing to do but sit around and answer your calls? We have books to read and papers to write (though we like to pretend we don’t.) Stop calling or we will retaliate by writing checks and/or (horror of horrors!) using cash.2. To the restaurant employees who give us shabby service simply because they don’t expect a good tip from us: Do you think we are below the poverty line? Of course not! How else could we afford to eat out every night of the week and belong to multiple CD clubs? Treating us poorly (or not treating us at all) will only force us to drop a lonely dollar on the table before we exit and thus uphold a vicious stereotype. Make us want to give you a generous tip, and we will. We promise.3. To the manufacturers of halogen lamps: We like your products. A lot. They provide warm and cheery light even in the midst of heinous Columbus winters. We only demand that the warm and cheery light does not come at the risk of fire. We like our living rooms. We prefer them intact. Fire is bad. Fix your lamps.4. To the Manufacturer of Columbus weather: Give us more than one in three days per year with sunshine. We walk multiple miles each day and prefer temperatures in the mid 70s with a reasonable amount of sunshine. Please take our requests into account.5. To all Air Supply fans who live in university housing or non-sound-proofed quarters: Enjoy your music. We fully advocate the right to free airwaves. We also defend our airwaves. Don’t invade my unadulterated Streisand time and I won’t invade your Air Supply.6. To everyone who wants to make Ohio Stadium an oval: Don’t mess with the Shoe. The Shoe is the Shoe, not the Oval. The Oval is the large green area in the middle of campus. Don’t confuse us. We’re confused enough already.7. To the dining commons: We appreciate your continued effort to make our daily fare palatable and low in fat and calories: We admire the perfectly round turkey and square fish that you serve and are continually amazed by the bounty spread before us on Bar Nite. We would, however, appreciate it if our eggs came out of their natural containers instead of large white jugs that could have housed Clorox in their former lives.8. To Pat Benetar: Good call with “Love is a Battlefield.” May we suggest a sequel? “O-Chem Finals are an Out-and-Out War.”9. To all sadistic faculty members who enjoy seeing means of 31 percent on their midterms: stop it. We realize that you are powerful and we are weak. We are humble enough already. Besides, shouldn’t an “A” be a 90% instead of a 51 percent? I would prefer it if my future physician were able to answer nine out of 10 questions properly instead of one out of two.10. To those with dogs and/or frisbees on the Oval: Good job in the atmosphere department. Spring isn’t spring without puppies and frisbees. However, we would appreciate it if the puppy people would clean up their messes so that the frisbee people don’t find surprises on their shoes. Likewise, the frisbee throwers must take care not to hit any puppies with their sporting utensils. Violence is bad, especially against animals.11. To the readers of this column: I may assume you made it this far if you are reading these words. You should be studying. Quit wasting time and open those books! Nietzsche calls! Oliver Twist cries out in the streets – “Please, sir, may I have some more? Read me, spend your afternoons and evenings and mornings and midnights with me! Hand me your life!”12. Also to the readers of this column: We demand that you take back the very lives college would take from you. Oliver will wait (until class on Tuesday at 1:30 at least). Life will not. Enjoy.
Emily Walker is a junior majoring in Spanish and English.
