Okay, I am willing to come to terms with it, if they are willing to admit it.
Chipotle, I am addicted to you. Chipotle, you have made me your slave.
That little – or shall I say large – burrito joint which opened more than 18 months ago, has captivated my palate for the duration of its operation. Sometimes, I’m in there four times a week, twitching like a junkie and barely able to contain myself as I wait in the lengthy line for my fix.
I’ve sold CDs to get it. I’ve braved the cold and the rain, spent money that wasn’t mine and money I did not have on that gargantuan object of my obsession – the chicken burrito. And now I want to know Chipolte, Inc., subsidiary of the McDonald’s conglomerate, what is the narcotic substance that is infused within the stomach-stretching goodness? We both know it’s there, so let us not pussyfoot around about this. Out with it.
When I see it, I want it. When someone speaks of it, I need it. When I think of it, the thought will not leave me. Oh, here I am, going to Wong Gei for Chinese. Here I am walking, walking, passing Wong Gei and now I am at Chipolte. What the hell is going on here?
Oh, how you pretend to be innocent. There you are, with your equally-addicted minions on the street handing out “free burritos.” Did you learn this trick from an afterschool drug dealer in the elementary schoolyard? “This time’s free kid, but if you want more, you know where to find me.”
The scheme must be working, too. Those restaurants popped up faster than a certain occupying force and seem to be nabbing market share like an octopus on PCP.
They have me, and I am sure they have many of you – and you know what, that’s fine. I have hit rock bottom, and I like it. As I said before, I have a problem. I do have a problem with the scheme of it all. I just want to know what this monkey on my back is made of – what is the controlling substance handpacked into each foil cylinder? Dare I speculate, as I am sure those crafty corporate chemists have hidden their seductive substance all too well.
It is my belief that it’s in the meat – that way it can be infused into the animals themselves. Free range my ass. It’s not free range when your animals are so full of opiates, they move no further than a veal.
I recently tested this theory, purchasing a vegetarian burrito with all the fixins’. While tasty and fulfilling, the burrito lacked the lethargic kick I am acquainted with from the meat varieties. Those fools know that a substance can be much more easily hidden within meat which has already been treated through hormones and antibiotics than it can be in legumes.
Furthermore, I have addressed this issue with a number of people – addicts and non-addicts – who agree: There is no reason for those burritos to do what they do; turning people with free-eating will into burrito-gorging slaves. Cocaine addicts are addicted to cocaine, and I may be too, if only those bastards would tell me what is in those things.
Until the Chipotle company relents and releases the information, my suffering brothers and sisters and I shall remain empty-hearted addicts, knowing not the name of the one who is master of our desires. Alas.
Ian James is a senior in journalism and art. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].
