The final week of the quarter. Like every columnist, I wanted to go out with a bang. Wow the critics, stun the public. Create the literary pinnacle of my career, the definitive statement of the excellence to which all of my columns aspire. Too bad that I could think of absolutely nothing interesting about which to write.Nuclear weapons? Too phallic. School shootings? Let the murderous squirts rot in kiddie prison. My ruminations on the “freshman experience?” I tried, and the result put my roommate to sleep. A reaction to my Crabbie nomination as “sexist of the year?” Pandering to the uneducated masses who actually read him.And so I was left with only one option. As my final service to the men (and women) of OSU, I have created a comprehensive how-to guide for becoming a perfect man. Sensitive, yet strong. Assertive, yet not aggressive. Able to buy tampons at CVS while still retaining that sexy masculine composure. Yes, that’s right, men: follow these simple steps this summer and you might return next year worthy of even my consideration. 1) The Speedo Strut. Essential to the psyche of every “new” man is empathy with the bathing-suit clad woman. While at the beach or community pool, preferably surrounded by a large co-ed group of friends, shed your trunks and don a tight purple Speedo. Walk past your gal pals several times, feeling their eyes scrutinize your exposed white bum. Go to the changing room and look at yourself in the mirror from every angle. Cry. You will learn humility.2) The Morning Makeup Merriment. Set your alarm two hours earlier than usual. Instead of getting the sports section, get your tweezers. Take four aspirin. Tweeze all stray hairs. Take a shower. Shave your legs, underarms, and bikini area. Twice, to make sure you didn’t miss any spots. Exfoliate. Detoxify. Tone. Moisturize. Get dictionary to decipher directions on bottle of home electrolysis kit. Blow-dry your hair. Conceal, curl, highlight, define. Make sure not to have enough time for breakfast. Do this five times a week. You will learn to budget time.3) The Bladder Bonanza. Drink 15 glasses of water. Stand around for 90 minutes. Look for restroom for 20 minutes. Wait in line for 30 minutes. Pee for five minutes. Wipe with used paper towels. Use the doorknob as a mirror. You will learn patience and resourcefulness.4) Mistreated Males Movie Madness. Go see five movies back-to-back where the only male roles are as scantily-clad secretaries, cute waiters, or jealous murderers and women push them around and say all the lines. Laugh when women compare men to wart hogs and wildebeests. You will learn your place. You will then lend these movies to me.5) And finally, the Puzzling Perpetual Period. Instruct a close friend to ask you if it is “that time of the month” every day. Make sure that all classmates and coworkers think that you are menstrual whenever you disagree with them. Incite a professor or boss to ask you if you took your Midol today. While you’re at it, bomb a few pharmacies that provide the stuff. You will learn to deal with bullshit. Feeling any different? A little more “tender” and “loving,” perhaps? Ready to watch “Pretty in Pink” yet? Well, at least I tried. And Speedos really are kind of sexy!?!
For more of Jessica’s quirky, lovable shenanigans check her out on “House of Love” this Friday as she attempts to put J.P Valentine in his place. Her editor’s betting on the overwhelming power of J.P.’s pheromones to carry the day.
