As many of our faithful readers already know, Big Al has been touring the “Down-underverse” for the last two months or so. During that time, Big Al has shared many a jug of XXXX with many unique and singular characters. (Note: No Australians actually drink Fosters.) He’s spoken with Canadians, Frenchmen, South Africans, Japanese and people of innumerable other exotic nationalities. And all of these fine young world citizens agree on one thing: They want more ointment!

Yes, youthful Ohioans, the rest of the world is with you when you raise your united voices crying out for liniments, oils, salves, creams and, above all, ointment!

For some reason the world’s global commercial infrastructure has failed to fill this yawning niche. They have either been too busy pushing Spam knock-offs, attending Bush fund-raisers, or paying lip-service to the American Methodist Church. And all that time, our prayers for soothing body rubs have gone unanswered.

Instead, the liniment makers have focused solely on the wheezing geriatric market. Those lucky old gray-tops, with their toupees and bingo-nights, have it so damn good. They’ve got Ben-Gay, Vapo-Rub, Ambesol, Anusol, and countless other non-oily, hypo-allergenic salves to soothe their wrinkly flesh.

But what do we have? We, the young people – the future of the world – what have we got? Nothing! Not so much as a single youth-oriented cream to smear onto our fresh and new faces. Nothing to ease the aches and pains that result from our extreme active lifestyles.

When Big Al come in from a hard night of head-banging and break-dancing, you know that he’d like nothing better than a cool ointment to caress on his aching body. Just think of all the times you would have liked to have a good old-fashioned salve? Maybe something to ease that big black-ball hangover? Or maybe some sort of radical Energy Ointment with all-natural ginseng and B-vitamins? We, the youth of the world, need these products!

And when you really think about it, it wouldn’t be that hard to convert some of the existing products for the youth market.

Just look at how Yoplait introduced yogurt to a whole new generation when they launched Go-Gurt. All required was some innovative packaging and slick advertising. By putting yogurt in a tube and abolishing the spoon, the leaders of tomorrow have experienced the true glory of yogurt!

The Brothers Vred are convinced that something similar can be done for ointment. C’mon, Harmon K. knows he’d buy any salve that’s sold in a “Slam Pak” or “X-Tube.” If you could get Tony Hawk or Eminem to endorse your new ointment, it would surely be bigger than Star Wars. That way, liniments can be successfully delivered to the young, hip people of planet Earth.

Really, isn’t it about time? Haven’t we waited long enough? We want ointment!

Big Al is actually a castaway on a desert island. Harmon K. is a dental student. Visit www.whipworm.com to learn about the Go-Gurt miracle.