The United States is an empire in every sense but one, and that one sense is that it doesn’t recognize itself as such … it is an empire in denial.”
– British historian, Niall Ferguson, BBC News
The United States dominates the world in a way that no other country has before. In addition to our extravagant military spending, we know that our government is the only legitimate kind, and we dominate the world’s pop culture. Ferguson told BBC News, “If you look at what the U.S. has long tried to do – expand the global reach of free markets and ultimately representative government – it bears an uncanny resemblance to the project of Victorian Imperialism.”
Although the Bush-Cheney-Ashcroft assault on civil liberties continues without letup, our expansion skills are a bit messy.
To be truly successful, it helps to have a mentor. I propose the U.S. join the British Commonwealth for a few years. Our friends across the pond can teach us to stop being ashamed of our goals of domination. Once we embrace imperialism, we can learn the finer points of taking over the world. It could be America’s imperial internship. Sure, having to listen to another country’s ideas would be a blow to our egos, but think of all the fabulous British laws and culture we could implement.
We would ease our way into the internship with a celebrity exchange program, trading Jessica Simpson for Robbie Williams. The singer of “Millennium” and “Angels” hasn’t been properly exploited here. The cheeky performer is one of the hottest acts in Europe. He could enrich our arenas and our airwaves if only we gave him a chance.
Next, we adopt British security. Washington D.C. would be much more fun if there were men in red jackets and big, furry hats guarding the White House.
Just as the British did, we would begin to adapt to customs of the countries we rule. Because England would unwittingly become one of our first colonies, we could start by adopting its drinking age – 18. Next, we would relax our drug laws.
Last week, possession of small quantities of cannabis became a non-arrestable offense in England and Wales. Already, GW Pharmaceuticals has a marijuana-based drug – Sativex – for multiple sclerosis and severe pain, in the approval process.
According to The New York Times, Sativex is faster, more effective and cheaper than drugs made from synthetic THC. Perhaps if the FDA beat Canada to approving such medications, Granny wouldn’t keep running north of the border to fill her prescriptions.
Additionally, in Britain, when you need a prescription drug, you don’t go to the doctor – you go to the pharmacist. You tell her what’s wrong and she decides whether you deserve prescription-strength meds or not. If you’re lucky, she hands you a bottle of something powerful and says, “Finish this off and if you’re still not feeling well, you might think about seeing a doctor.” Think of the time, money and paperwork this saves.
Eventually, Senate meetings would be as entertaining as Parliament sessions. Fist fights and profanity would become the norm, and we’d get to see what our politicians really think.
Of course, we would have to give something back to the Brits. We could introduce them to gas – guzzling SUVs, and the Atkins diet could be revised for the British palate – haggis, anyone?
Rachel Merton is a senior in English. She can be reached for comment at [email protected].
