I’m rushing into producing an invention that I think will upstage that awful attention hound, Janet Jackson, once and for all. A die-cast five-pointed star that I’ve dubbed the Liberty Shield will allow me to ascend from this meager media outlet to the greener pastures of entertainment icon.

This shield of course, will protect the last and most protected vestige of American freedom, my crotch. With the shield in place, I can finally strut with pride into any public arena I choose, pantless, without fear of police or Federal Communications Commission repercussions.

I had been waiting to give my invention a proper public unveiling, complete with Liberty Shielded midgets jumping mini-bikes through large-scale replicas of the mid-section adornment, but that awful Janet Jackson had to rip me off. She stole my idea and used it to start up the publicity drums for her new album. How dare her. It is no matter as my Liberty Shield’s patent-pending status will trump all over her little “Nipplegate” stunt.

If I don’t get her the FCC’s Michael Powell and the rest of his Fed cronies will.

For entertainers, shameless antics such as these are nothing new – nor is reactionary government action. Whether it’s some form of artistic expression, public antagonism or a bottom-feeder method of keeping your face in the public eye, having America’s entertainment heroes hump the public’s decency barriers is nothing new.

The humor of the incident is that this very situation – in one form or another – has arisen innumerable times throughout the years across the entire world. America, being the morally deprave great Satan that it is, has the most memorable contemporary instances of this that there are; from Elvis’ innuendo-filled hip shakin’ to Jim Morrison pulling out his own Liberty Shield-less friend before a Miami audience.

Twenty years later, the exact incident occurred at a 1995 Lollapalooza festival staged within the city limits of our friendly northern Kentucky neighbors, Cincinnati. Jesus Lizard frontman David Yow decided he’d pull his friend out for a peek midway through the band’s performance. He too had to skip after-show cocktails for a ride with the conservative urban enforcement, the Cincinnati Police. In an attempt to make their disapproval fully known, city officials banned Lollapalooza from future Queen City visits.

Sunday’s Super incident is one in a long line of incidents by American pop stars to break limits with warrant usually pertaining only to shock value. The one-second nipple event reached the level of controversy it has as a result of the enormous viewing audience that included every conceivable age group – precisely why it was executed in the first place. Now CBS wants Timberlake and Jackson out of the Grammys and an even longer audio-visual delay on the show’s live feed to ensure time to react to any other unplanned flashers.

The shock waves have carried over enough to get ‘Nsync’er J.C. Chavez kicked off the Pro Bowl’s half-time show. Chavez was set to perform a song from his new album which could have been a soon to be classic such as “Some Girls (Dance with Women)” or “All Day I Dream about Sex.” This is, of course, incredibly terrible for me. Chavez was signed to give the Liberty Shield its global television debut.

Hmmm … with a little work it could be modified. I wonder what Christina Aguilera has coming up.

Ian James is a senior in journalism and art. He is The Lantern arts editor and can be reached for comment at [email protected].