In light of recent policy change, Ohio State has officially become the first-ever “free tobacco” campus in U.S. history.
The non-smoking ban, which took effect last week, not only offers free cigarettes to all students and faculty but also requires them to be smoking these products the entire time they are on campus.
University spokesman Lary Grewis recently spoke with The Dim Bulb about what students can expect now that OSU is a free tobacco campus.
“We request that all faculty, students, staff, fans, patients, visitors and contractors use tobacco products while on campus, inside and out,” Grewis said, while lighting up a Middleton’s Black & Mild. “See, this cigar was free!
“With our free tobacco policy, we understand that it may become quite expensive to smoke every time you visit campus, that is why we are just giving out tobacco products to everyone, free of charge.”
Grewis continued on to say the free tobacco policy is not just specific to cigarette smokers, but all tobacco users alike.
“We will have dispensaries set up all over campus dishing out free cigs, cigars, dip, chew, snus and even pipe tobacco for the hipsters.”
While the new policy is very specific about when and where campus-goers are expected to use tobacco, it does not say whether or not children under the age of 18 are exempt from this new rule.
“There will be no police enforcement of the Ohio State campus non-smoking ban, but I believe peer pressure will be enough to make people want to smoke,” Grewis said. “If you’re not smoking and everybody else is, you’re not going to feel cool. It’s as easy as that.”
While some might be shocked at the thought of campus-financed tobacco, OSU Interim President Johnny Plutto supports the new policy.
“If you planned on quitting smoking, now is the time to stop those thoughts immediately,” Plutto said. “Besides, I heard it’s really hard to anyway.”
Since the ban, OSU has spent roughly half of its $100,000 signage budget to make sure when visitors come to campus, they remember to light up their smokies.
Some of the signs that can be seen around campus or in front of the Ohio Union have slogans such a “Make sure you burn while you learn!” and “Smoke, dip and spit – just as long as you don’t quit!”
While this might seem like a radical transformation for some, Grewis hinted at even more changes to come.
“After we adjust to the free tobacco policy, we’re working on making it so only bicycle riders and skateboarders can use the Oval walkways. Also, we’re taking the seats out of the CABS buses, to promote more exercise. Big things to come!”
At press time, 98 percent of the smoke alarms on campus had already gone off.
This is part of a series called “The Dim Bulb.” It is a weekly dose of satire, intended to poke fun at the university and affiliates. The contents of these articles are not factual and are not meant to be taken seriously.