Who told me to stay in school and why did I listen to them?
Now I have a $30,000+ student loan that needs to be paid back. School was going fine until Uncle Sam wanted back the money he lent me. I thought he could continue giving me money and I would continue promising to pay him back. Sort of an “I’ll lean on your back, you can lean on mine and that way we won’t have to sleep in the mud” situation. I have since learned I will be sleeping in the mud because I can no longer afford proper housing.
I don’t think I realized what I would be getting out of this loan agreement. I gave the Ohio State University $30,000 and they are going to give me a piece of paper with my name on it. I could have bought some paper, magic markers and gold stars at Target for $6.96 and done the same thing. Now I know how the Native Americans felt after they were screwed out of Manhattan Island.
If someone came along trying to sell me $30,000 for a piece of paper that said, “Congratulations, you are an eBay Gold Star Member,” I’d beat them up and take over their business. In the case of my diploma, I willingly went along with the scam. I got punk’d.
G.W. and I share the same sentiment: We don’t want to see the fooled man get fooled again. I will impart the lessons I have learned so you won’t make the same mistake by paying for a piece of paper. Here is what cost me $30,000:
-Sharing. I thought I learned all about sharing in kindergarten, but I was wrong. Sharing an apartment is a new level of intimacy. Things are shared that should never be communal. Luckily, my greedy roommates didn’t share any of their strange diseases with me and their personalities weren’t contagious.
-Beer. I learned to like beer. Not only have I learned to like it, I have preferences and am concerned when I can’t taste it.
-Excuses. I have learned a variety of excuses from “I swear that’s never happened before” to “my phone keeps cutting out.” You never know when the opportunity to use this skill may arise. It is best to practice and be ready. Who knows when you will run into me and I’ll want to hang out?
-Panicking. I have learned to panic when necessary, harness that energy and turn it into something useful. Whether an all-night study session or an emergency room visit to diagnose the mysterious rash thought to be an STD that appeared after a Mirror Lake jump is necessary, panicking helps rashly decide a course of action. This is how I accomplish something rather than nothing. Panicking, like exercise, is good for you; it gets your heart rate up and causes you to breathe heavy.
-Camaraderie. There is nothing like getting together with 100,000 people and shouting the obscenity “M******n sucks!” Those are people I relate to and M******n does, in fact, suck.
These are the lessons I paid for. I know I probably didn’t need to drop $30,000 on that, but I did. It’s too late for regrets. The umbilical cord has been severed and I’m on my own. Here come men in black, looking for payments.
My dad sent me a checklist of things I would have to pay for now that I’m graduating. I have to figure out some way to pay my loan and continue my lavish Vh1’s “Fabulous Life” buying of houses and cars. Insurance? Who needs it? I’m fit as Fiddle-Faddle. A place to live? Overrated as the Yankees. I can sleep in my car.
As for everything else, I’m sure someone is serving my silver platter somewhere.
John Bobosh is a senior in communication and can be reached at [email protected].
