I’m done for. Doomed. Hell, I was born in March.

About a week ago I stumbled across a “new” study on ABC News about how the month you were born in “may” determine what kinds of diseases you’re “more likely” to contract. The news can’t be too bad I thought, so I read on.

The news was great until I realized what it meant. The report had set up a neat graphic where you could click your month of birth and check out all the diseases you’re supposed to get. How fun. The big loser was December, finishing with a measly respiratory syncytial virus. But mighty March swept the awards.

Those born in March are apparently highly susceptible to Alzheimer’s, schizophrenia, autism, narcolepsy – (deep breath) – Hodgkin’s disease, multiple sclerosis, bipolar disorder and epilepsy.

Yea March birthdays. We rule. Or, no wait, that’s bad.

I was aghast at the amount of sickness I had to look forward to, and I started examining myself for lumps and alternate personalities. And then it hit me – this report was my soothsayer.

I was born on March 15, 1984 – otherwise known as the ides of March.

A psychic had warned Julius Caesar 2,048 years earlier to “beware the ides of March.” Caesar replied, referring to the soothsayer, “He is a dreamer. Let us leave him. Pass.” We all know how ol’ JC spent the 15th of that March; for those of you who don’t know the answer, he was stabbed.

And so I thought with an inflated sense of self-importance, maybe the gods are speaking to me through the Internet – telling me about my fragile immune system and advising me to lead the life of a shut-in. I am like Caesar and the diseases of the world are my assassins. I shut my door and curled up in a ball. I ain’t going the same route as that JC, I thought. I’m adhering to my psychic advice.

And as I lie in a heap I began, to think a little more logically.

Of course there is no causal evidence to explain these findings. They are just observations. The article admits that much of the developments are environmental and warns us to be cautious about drawing conclusions. There are millions of healthy people who were born in March, and surely there are a few cases of Narcolepsy in people born in December.

So why publish the story? To warn us not to conceive in June and July? As a list of “things to look out for” for those born in March? To momentarily satisfy the appetite of people like me who seek oddball news to site in social settings?

Surely no, for this was ABC News, a respected leader in the research community. No, the harsh reality is someone in charge somewhere thinks that those conclusions have scientific relevance.

Suddenly I was huddling in my room for a different reason.

“Can high altitude ‘cure’ obesity?” headlines another research story on the Web site. They made sure to put the word cure in quotes, but the fact remains: The headline says “cure obesity.” Maybe it’s true; high altitude probably does help obesity – if you hike up a mountain. It’s called exercise, and any resulting weight loss has much more to do with blood pressure than air pressure.

These scientists are using inconclusive evidence to give an entertaining story – not an informational one. And yet they mask it as pertinent information so that if somehow being born in March does cause schizophrenia, they can say, “We knew it all along.” They’re stabbing in the dark, like Caesar’s killers.

So I uncurled from my quivering heap of humanity and opened the door. “Screw arcolepsy,” I exclaimed, running through my apartment like a hippie child.

And while Caesar’s “He is a dreamer. Let us leave him. Pass,” is a little more eloquent, I feel like we made the same moral decision. I just hope my fate is a little less rocky.

Jake Chapman is a sophomore in journalism. He can be reached for comment at [email protected].