Last night, many of us watched the Academy Awards. It’s the night when Hollywood gets to show off its hubris and cleavage to the rest of America. It’s a night of wonder, glamour, excitement and mystery. Harmon K. was on location right there in L.A. to see it all: The stars, the dresses, the near lack of dresses, the quasi-phallic trophies. And of course, he loved it. He bowed in open awe and admiration as Jennifer Love Hewitt emerged from her limo. His eyes went wide and his knees weak when David Duchovny made his grand appearance. The experience was amazing. It will be the highlight of his life. Years hence, when Harmon K’s got three grandchildren sitting on his bionic knee, he’ll say, “Xarbox, when I was just a lad, I saw David Arquette, live and in person!” And then their ten little eyes will gaze up at him with renewed wonder. That moment will give purpose and meaning to his life.But at the same time, we’ve got to think of the less fortunate people out there. Many, like Big Al, couldn’t make the pilgrimage. They must sit and watch on television or, worse yet, on the Internet or radio. We pity these poor wretches, but realize there isn’t much we can do to help. The world is such a cold, cruel place.Now we’ve been catching some vibes lately that our way of life is an obsession, maybe even an unhealthy obsession. Usually, Big Al tells them there’s nothing unhealthy about Sarah Michelle Gellar. But we’ve heard it on the media, too. They’re telling us that there’s something wrong about living vicariously through celebrity icons. We’re understanding, empathetic guys, and we know where you’re coming from. You say: Shouldn’t you being out living your own life, following your own lead, thinking different? The Brothers Vred listen to all this, we smile, we nod, we think, this guy’s never worked in the food service industry.We realize that it’s hard to live your own life if you file ten hours a day and commute for two more. It’s difficult to think different when you get no respect at home or work and your natural creativity is drowning, pickle-like, in ethanol. It’s hard to follow your own lead when you’re live-in friend has got mile-high zits, trucks about 350 pounds and complains all the time about what sort of mess the cat made all over the living room carpet. It’s not easy to live that way. Not easy to face up to reality when all you want to do is get next to some young hot body. And that’s why we have celebrities.Celebrities have that allure, that mystery and that media-given power to distract us from the futility and ugliness in our daily lives. When you live in the world of celebrity, you live on an exotic planet full of wonder, sex and intrigue. You live in a meaningful world where you play an important character on the biggest screen in the universe. You stride through life surrounded by beauty. And we’re not talking boring plastic-bag-blowing-in-the-wind type of beauty. We’re talking about sexy, in-your-face visceral beauty that hits you like a punch in the neck. For instance, when you’re on a date with some homely brunette, you can just tell yourself, “Hey, she looks a bit like Katie Holmes if she turns her head to the right and I squint a certain way.” And then the date will go smoothly.But celebrity thinking isn’t just about how you view other people. It can be about how you view yourself and how you conduct yourself in everyday life. Many of us non-religious types got left out of that “What would Jesus do?” movement. And so we were forced to seek other pop icons for emulation. So instead, we can ask ourselves, when confronted by some moral dilemma, “What would Barbra Streisand do?” Despite Big Al’s derisive comments, Harmon K. still wears a WWBSD bracelet at all times, even though the fad has weakened.Perhaps we’re being a bit too optimistic still. Many citizens don’t even want to acknowledge that they have a life apart from their movie gods. And that’s okay with us. We pass no moral judgment. When you live for any person, their experiences become your own. Their hopes, their fears, their pleasures magically become your own. The dreary facts of your own irrelevant existence fade beautifully away like an unpleasant dream. So don’t come down so hard on celebrities, but remember the vital service they perform for our society.The Brothers Vred would also like to take this opportunity to introduce their new website. It offers all of their previous articles and some unique insights into the connection between technology, celebrity and intestinal parasites. Visit us at www.whipworm.com.
Big Al is a sophomore CIS major. Harmon K. is a senior zoology/history major. They come from Upper Arlington, the Hollywood suburb of Columbus.