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Commentary: The 6 people you will encounter at a New Year’s party

John White, of Camden, N.J., models the 2003 glasses he is selling at Canal's Discount in Pennsauken, N.J., Dec. 30, 2002. Credit: Courtesy of MCT

John White, of Camden, N.J., models the 2003 glasses he is selling at Canal’s Discount in Pennsauken, N.J., Dec. 30, 2002.
Credit: Courtesy of MCT

The presents have all been opened and that means one thing: 2013 has run its course and 2014 is peeking its head around the corner. Inevitably, to celebrate a new year, it’s time for outlandish holiday parties complete with noisemakers, champagne and enough glitter to coat Ke$ha’s latest spandex ensemble.

Whether you’re counting down the end of a fantastic 365 days or looking forward to a fresh start, there are going to be a few predictable party people who prove that the end of a calendar year doesn’t really mean much change in festivities.

Here are the party-goers you’ll run into this New Year’s Eve:

Person Counting Down To Midnight

Not since second grade has the concept of passing time excited Person Counting Down To Midnight more. Like some persistent, aggravating cuckoo bird, this guy fills in every dull, quiet moment of the party informing the masses exactly how many minutes, seconds and episodes of “Seinfeld” come between now and the new year.

There is no way to get Person Counting Down To Midnight to shut up. Even a reality check explaining to him that time in itself is just a needless dimension implemented by man to distinguish a past, present and future, hence preventing a misunderstanding of all events happening at once, would be better received and comprehended by a Golden Retriever than Person Counting Down To Midnight.

It goes without saying this guy has no one to kiss at midnight, leaving both his hands free to clap and cheer obnoxiously once the ball drops. The gaudy, outlandish celebration he has initiated for something as insignificant as a start of a new year can only lead many to believe Person Counting Down To Midnight applauds and tries to start the wave every time he passes gas.

Desperate Girl

Desperate Girl started scoping out the situation the moment she walked in the door. She’s searching for her midnight kiss and it could really be anyone — that 40-year-old man who wandered into the party by accident, the guy who’s been asleep for three hours or even the house cat. No matter what, she’s determined to find her true love as the ball drops and steal a kiss to set 2014 in the right direction.

Without a kiss, Desperate Girl’s year will probably fall into an abysmal routine of watching romantic comedies and eating cookie dough. With a kiss, she’s sealed her fate to be whisked away into the distance on a horse-drawn carriage to never worry about the petty things of life again.

Desperate Girl has probably also seen “The Notebook” at least 100 times, and after midnight, she’s expecting her new love to send her letters every day for a year. Pucker up.

Person Who Swears 2014 Is Her Year

Last year wasn’t so hot for Person Who Swears 2014 Is Her Year. She changed her major five times, got in three car crashes, went through a few bad breakups and made six trips to the emergency room. None of that matters anymore, though, because 2014 is going to change that all.

It doesn’t matter that she failed every class she took last semester because this is the year that will change everything. She has a good feeling about it because 14 has always been her lucky number. This year, she’ll finally exercise, eat right, travel, organize her email, figure out who really shot JFK, go to the moon, knit blankets for orphaned children and find Mr. Right.

Watch out because if you start talking to her, you’ll hear her extensive list of resolutions, and it might be 2015 by the time she stops.

The Human Disco Ball

It’s hard to tell whether The Human Disco Ball just had intimate relations with Lady Gaga or finished a shift with the Radio City Rockettes. What is clear, though, is when she walked in with her silver sequined, Ke$ha-sponsored ensemble, Barry Gibb came out of the woodwork to make sure everyone was “Stayin’ Alive” and getting funky.

The Human Disco Ball knows that there is only one day per year she can shine bright like a diamond (according to “Cosmopolitan”), and she wants to make sure every single party attendee sporting a hangnail leaves only after snagging her dress with a souvenir sequin to show. Clothing is not where the shimmer ends, though. Since glitter has yet to be outlawed in the U.S., The Human Disco Ball has smothered her eyelids, lips, cheek, wrists, neck, arms, hair and legs with some sort of lotion concoction consisting of 2 percent moisturizer, 98 percent Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show remnants.

All eyes will be reluctantly on The Human Disco Ball tonight, but once the clock strikes midnight and it is 2014, she will return to the ‘90s. Where body glitter belongs.

Couple That Seriously Needs To Get A Room

It’s 12:15 a.m., and Couple That Seriously Needs To Get A Room is still getting down. They have been downtown, uptown, around town and through town in front of everyone at the party and… why are they making out on the couch and taking off their socks?

By 12:20 a.m., all party attendees have agreed to treat Couple That Seriously Needs To Get A Room as some bizarre living room fixture. Like, maybe if we all ignore them, they will realize how uncomfortable everyone is and… is it just me or are the slurping sounds getting louder? Let’s just go into the kitchen and play Cards Against Humanity. Somehow that’s less awkward than Couple That Seriously Needs To Get A Room getting freaky while Miley Cyrus lip syncs on Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve.

It’s 12:45 a.m. The 9-year-old and 12-year-old neighbor kids have come over to sit criss-cross-applesauce in front of the couch to closely observe Couple That Seriously Needs To Get A Room. Their parents said this would suffice as the “birds and the bees” talk.

Guy Wearing 2014 Glasses

Guy Wearing 2014 Glasses may be wearing glasses that let him look toward the future, but he’s really holding onto the past. He thought it was really clever in the 2000s when someone started selling glasses where the viewer could see through the double zeros, and he’s not letting it go or letting anyone forget how clever they were.

He probably has some ridiculous sort of lens that’s shaped like the number one, but it’s all right because his glasses show how enthusiastic he is for 2014 (even though he’s just thinking fondly about the past decade of eyewear).

Guy Wearing 2014 Glasses already has big plans for New Year’s Eve 2019 when he can finally rock double zero 2020 glasses again. He also can’t wait to explain how coincidental it’ll be that he has 20-20 vision and he’ll be wearing 2020 glasses.

Then again, maybe the future does look bright for Guy Wearing 2014 Glasses.

Happy New Year!

One comment

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