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Jerks, boredom ruin OSU football game

I went to my first Ohio State football game Saturday.

My friends and fellow editors convinced me that going to a football game would be an invaluable experience, and that as a Buckeye, it was my duty to go to a game. Grudgingly, I accepted.

Don’t get me wrong. I love OSU more than anything. It’s just that…

I don’t like football that much.

I know, it doesn’t make sense; a Buckeye with no love of football. I only get excited about the sport when my baby brother (and when I say baby I mean 6 foot and 180 pound) plays safety.

Oh, and I like reading football stories. Sometimes.

But I’ve spent the last three years sleeping during football games. I wake up when I hear drunken fans pre-gaming at 9 a.m., and then sleep when they go to the game and campus becomes silent. Or, I run errands because there are no lines. If I’m feeling responsible, I do homework until the game is over, and then party with my friends when they get back, high off the game.

This Saturday was different. Sort of.

I did not sleep during the game. I convinced my boyfriend (who also is bored by football) to drive here from Cincinnati to come with me.

After stealthily infiltrating the C section of the stadium (we had tickets in different sections), we sat down and watched the kickoff.

Five minutes later, I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. Walking to the stadium is exhausting.

Five more minutes and we scored on an 89 yard return. It was exciting. I stood up for like two minutes.

Twenty minutes in, and I was distracted by people who are literally the shame of the University. They are the biggest assholes I’ve ever seen. After kicking people out of their rightful seats to sneak in their friends from another section, they proceeded to take a Wisconsin fan’s hat and slice it into pieces with a pocket knife, all the while implying that he was a homosexual pedophile. They also drove two female Wisconsin fans nearly to tears by calling them sluts, crazy bitches and telling people around them that they have sexually transmitted infections.

Go Bucks.

Late in the second quarter, my boyfriend was playing with my scarf. I was trying to ignore the world’s largest d-bags and was also extremely thirsty. I dare to say I have never been thirstier in my life. I felt as if I had sprinted an 800-meter dash in Death Valley. Also, drinks are $4.

At halftime it appeared as though everyone around me had had something to drink. I became more consumed by my thirst than by the game, marching band or worst damned fans in the land in front of us.

Come third quarter, I was snuggled on the couch in my apartment with the game on television, eating popcorn (free!) and drinking an ice cold Coca-Cola ($1!). I also was watching funny Youtube videos of innocent civilians being pwned at various athletic events.

Basically, I am the world’s worst football fan. I tried, but I just don’t understand the appeal of sitting through three hours for maybe four definitive plays.

Please don’t misunderstand. OSU is my world. Football just isn’t my thing.

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