While Ohio State President William “Brit” Kirwan probably won’t abandon his castle in Bexley anytime soon, the neighborhood surrounding campus is in for a bit of a social makeover.Last week, the Lantern reported about a new incentive program OSU is offering to all faculty and staff. In an effort to “unite” students and teachers into one big, happy family, the university is giving $3,000 loans for these employees to purchase homes in the university district. The kicker is that staff and faculty don’t even have to pay the money back as long as they live in the off-campus area for at least five years.As a three-year resident of the off-campus area, I’d like to extend my arms out on behalf of the students and say “welcome” to our fellow Buckeyes!In order to help make the transition a little smoother for newcomers to the area, I’ve come up with a checklist of items that will come in handy for off-campus residents. This is by no means a definitive list, but rather a few things to help the faculty and staff get settled in to this one-of-a-kind neighborhood:

  • Earplugs: Because you’ll always have a neighbor who just can’t get enough of that Puff Daddy. Or worse, you’ll have the kind of neighbor that wakes up early every football Saturday to blast OSU marching band music.
  • Monopoly money: This won’t get you out of jail, but it will get you out of uncomfortable situations with the High Street bums. When they approach you, give them a $10, a $20. Hell, give them $100. They’ll be grateful because they’re too drunk to tell the difference. Plus, you’ve just committed your good civic duty for the day, since they won’t be able to use it for their 40 ounces of Magnum and Olde English.
  • Reinforced alloy car hood: Because you never know when you’re going to say or do the wrong thing around an OSU basketball player.
  • Gas masks: I probably covered this one enough Friday. You’ll need these on football Saturdays to counter the guerrilla tactics of Columbus police officers.
  • Gore-Tex steel-toed boots: Unless you’re practicing to be a circus performer, you probably don’t want to walk on glass every day. These will protect you from the shards of Natural and Busch Light bottles that adorn and illuminate our streets.
  • Plenty of spare tires: See No. 5 and No. 3
  • Huffy Bicycle: From what I’ve seen, these are the only ones that don’t get stolen.
  • Plastic flip-flops: In the dorms, you had to wear these in the bathroom and shower for sanitary reasons. In off-campus housing, you have to wear these around the entire house for sanitary reasons.
  • Coon-skin cap and rifle: The alleys, streets and backyards of the area are a haven for small game. Raccoons, opossums and squirrels flourish in the area. If you want to learn how to cook them, you’re out of luck. The George Strait caravan left town last weekend.

Jamie Pietras is a sometimes Lantern columnist who we’re always happy to have grace the page.