Hello everybody and welcome to Stereotype Theater, the only theatrical production which relies only on stereotypes for its ideas.This week’s characters: Billy the frat bot, Suzy the sorority chick, and Nathan Crabbe, the prince of darkness.The scene: Max’s, a fictional bar on High StreetThe situation: Nathan Crabbe, the prince of darkness, is sitting at a table, brooding. Suzy the sorority chick is at the bar, scamming free drinksCRABBE: let’s see, antiquated and outlived their usefulness . . . how ’bout the IRS.SUZY: (climbs onto the bar and belts out the sorority girl mating call) I am soooooooo drunk!!!Three blocks away, Billy the frat boy picks up Suzy’s come-hither message and bolts from the bar, sprinting down High Street to Max’sCRABBE: . . .the Catholic church. . . Jell-O . . .BILLY: (out of breath) Hi Suzy (in an incredible moment of frat boy smoothness). What’s up?SUZY: Hi Billy. Wanna pay for my abortion?BILLY: (Gratefully finding a way out) Hey, isn’t that Nathan Crabbe? I’m gonna beat his ass.Billy frat-boy swaggers his way over to Nathan’s table, where the dark prince broods.CRABBE: . . .the telephone. . . Christmas. . .BILLY: Hey, punk, . . . Billy passes out and crashes to the floor.Three blocks away, Billy’s brothers realize, through their telepathic connection, that one of their number is in trouble. They run from the bar and sidle down High Street, looking like a plaid army, in their hats – so old the bill is peeling back – from other schools, khakis, and sideburns with no facial hair.CRABBE: . . .internal combustion engines. . .bicameral house system. . .The frat pack surrounds Crabbe, ready to pound him into oblivion, when they realize two things: 1) they’re in a bar and 2) they’re empty-handed. They scurry off to rectify the situation.CRABBE: . . .the UN. . . David Overeem. . .SUZY: (to the frat pack) Hi fellas. FRAT PACK: (in unison) Drool. . .Billy suddenly comes to and is ready to blow the whistle on Crabbe, but the dark prince beats him back into unconsciousness with an empty beer mug.CRABBE: . . .USG. . .the rain forest. . .FRAT PACK: Drool. . .SUZY: Like, oh my god, if you’re not going to talk, I’ll go over here. (Leaves in a snit. The frat boys, regaining their vocal ability, start discussing the possibility of performing some “community service” on Suzy.)SUZY: (Cuddling in a corner booth with a large tattooed man with greasy hair.) Wanna pay for my abortion?LARGE MAN: Sure, sweet thang, as long as you ride cross-country with me on my Harley.SUZY: Like, OK. I don’t need to go to class. All my sorority sisters out there in the real world will help me get a job.CRABBE: . . .Thanksgiving. . .John Glenn. . .marine biology. . .FRAT PACK: (not realizing they’re in a bar) KEG STAND!!!!CRABBE: (leaving to go home and play Dungeons and Dragons) All stereotypes are rooted in the truth. . .
Casey Laughman is the sports editor for the Lantern. He believes everyone needs the ability to laugh at themselves.
