Attention smokers of the OSU community. Congratulations on belonging to one of the most comical demographic groups in our society. For some reason that I still haven’t been able to figure out, you’ve decided to let yourself become a tool for the corporate fat cats in the tobacco (death) industry.You’ve bought into their propagandist trash and now spend hundreds of your own dollars a year for the privilege of putting burning carcinogenic leaves in your mouth. In return for your servitude they reward you with a lifetime of unnecessary physiological disorders while they live it up in the Hamptons with your hard earned cash. Wow. What can I say? That’s brilliant.At first I was hesitant about writing this article. I didn’t want to insult friends, family, and others who I care about, but then I realized that it would be a disservice to them not to point out the obvious. Smoking is more than deadly. It’s stupid. If a handgun manufacturer marketed the idea that Russian roulette was sophisticated and cool I’d feel morally responsible to tell people just how idiotic they were if they bought into the nonsense. The same is true with smoking. There are absolutely no redeeming qualities to sucking on a butt of a Camel. They make you stink, stain your teeth, and invite doubts about your level of common sense.It should be noted that I am well aware of the addictive power of cigarettes. Some studies have equated the withdrawal symptoms with that of heroin. I don’t find fault with people who truly want to quit but haven’t been able to yet. Having never been a smoker I can’t relate to the experience of trying to quit. What I DO understand are the reasons why I didn’t start in the first place. Why would anyone willingly choose to become a cigarette baron’s bitch?The question is directed toward individuals in my generation. Unlike older generations, you weren’t subjected to watching doctors advertise cigarettes on T.V. Instead, from the moment you could comprehend speech you were inundated with messages conveying the detestable effects of smoking. Heart disease, lung cancer, ulcers, emphysema, chronic bronchitis, miscarriages, and foul smelling clothing were all preached to you as consequences of smoking. Despite these stern warnings some of you decided to conform to the absurd imagery presented to you by the tobacco industry. You let yourself become duped into believing that belching carcinogenic exhaust was somehow sexy and appealing. You can keep on believing that delusion if you want, but the truth is that you’ve become a puppet. Big tobacco puppeteers are pulling on your strings of addiction, forcing you to reach into your wallet and hand over your wealth. It’s truly a sad state to be in. It doesn’t have to be this way. This is one form of slavery that can be abolished by the slave. Quitting may be hard but it’s entirely possible. You may not care about your health but you ought to care about your personal sovereignty. Stop smoking today. Regain your dignity.
Although Robert is majoring in communications and marketing he promises never to work for the loathsome death pushers in the tobacco industry. He reminds everyone that the next SFF debate will be tonight at 7:30 in Hitchcock hall. Participants: Brother Jed vs. David Frison. Subject: “Is God good?”Editor’s note: Deep in his heart I think Robert knows smoking is way cooler than not smoking.
